Intro

[00:00:00] Spencer: Why do we continue to take our inventory? What is the benefit of promptly admitting our errors?

[00:00:07] Welcome to episode 435 of the Recovery Show. This episode is brought to you by Victoria, Brian Al-Anon, Elaine and David. They use the donation button on our website. Thank you, Victoria, Brian, Allen, Elaine, and David for your generous contributions. This episode is for you.

[00:00:25] We are friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts who have found a path to serenity and happiness. We who live or have lived with the seemingly hopeless problem of addiction understand as perhaps few others can. So much depends on our own attitudes and we believe that changed attitudes can aid recovery.

[00:00:44] Pat: Before we begin, we would like to state that in this show we represent ourselves rather than any 12 step program. During this show, we will share our own experiences, the opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest. We hope that you'll find something in our sharing that speaks to your life.

[00:01:06] Spencer: My name is Spencer. I am your host today, and joining me is Pat. Welcome back to the Recovery Show, Pat.

Step Ten

[00:01:13] Spencer: Our discussion today is going to center on step 10 of Al-Anon. We're gonna start by reading from chapter eight of How Al-Anon works. The section about step 10.

[00:01:27] Step 10 says, continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

[00:01:34] The first paragraph of the reading.

[00:01:36] In the fourth step, we begin a process of self-examination by taking inventory of ourselves. With the help of our higher power, we continued this process in subsequent steps as we tried to act upon what we had learned about ourselves, building upon our strengths and striving to be free from our shortcomings. We learn to take responsibility for ourselves and to turn the rest over to our higher power. For most of us, this is a cleansing and empowering experience, but it is only the beginning of a lifelong process of spiritual renewal and growth.

[00:02:09] What does this paragraph say to you, pat?

[00:02:12] Pat: It just kind of brings me back to focusing on the idea of introspection. And in doing that on a regular basis. At this point in time, we've made it through this huge process of step four and five and then making amends and wow, that's just so much work.

[00:02:31] but it kind of brings us back to the beginning of that cycle, I think for me, and when it says empowering and cleansing, I also think of really freeing. I mean, I literally felt lighter, physically lighter after,I had finished my step five and then again when I finished step nine or was working on it.

[00:02:54] It decreases that burden I carry through the day. That's what this whole step continues to do is that it maintains that lightness in my life. I don't have these heavy emotional burdens that I'm carrying with me. How about you, Spencer?

[00:03:11] Spencer: When I think about this, and I think about the grouping of the steps that we sometimes hear, steps one through three are about recognizing our problem and that there is a solution available to us.

[00:03:27] Steps four through nine are really the work of implementing that solution. And then we get to step 10. It's like, okay, so I got all the way through step nine. I have found out a lot more about who I am. I have opened up to at least one other person about that, and to my higher power and myself. And then I have done the steps to start to change myself, that's six and seven, and to do what I can to clean up the messes I've made in the past, which is steps eight and nine.

[00:04:05] So I'm done. Right? Well, what it says here, it says this is only the beginning of a lifelong process of spiritual renewal and growth. Because I'm not done. I've done the hard work to get to where I am. But I also have to recognize that I'm never gonna be perfect. We talk about progress, not perfection is one of our slogans?

[00:04:29] But I don't need to necessarily go back and do a full inventory, and so on, in order to keep moving forward. Step 10 is really part of continuing to move forward, continuing to grow, spiritual renewal. I like that phrase and recognizing that, yeah, this is what I need to do for the rest of my life.

[00:04:53] And I know I've used this analogy too many times recently talking about this, but it's like going to the gym. As somebody who really started making a commitment to go to the gym recently, I know that the progress that I've made in improving my physical health, by working on strength and balance. The things that I'm focusing on at this stage in my life. There's a chart out there, you can Google it, about how long you're expected to be able to stand on one foot at various ages. The one that I saw went by decades. So at like 60, I think it's 28 seconds and at 70 it's like 20 seconds. I'm gonna be 70 in a couple months. I don't like that downward slope. That's like steep. And when I recognize that as an older person, one of my primary risk factors is falling.

[00:05:56] So I have to keep going to the gym or I have to keep doing some program of exercise and motion to keep my body as healthy and balanced as possible.

[00:06:07] And yeah, I'm not going to get back to how I was when I was 20, but if I don't keep going, I will keep deteriorating. I wanna have as many years as I've got left in me. And I don't want them to be miserable, or painful or just slow. So same thing with Al-Anon, same thing with this process of spiritual renewal and growth that I have embarked on and that has helped me so much already. I want to keep doing it and I need to keep doing it.

[00:06:38] That was much longer than the paragraph itself, but that's what this first paragraph to me is about. It's like, okay, you did all this work. Don't throw it away. Keep moving, keep doing it.

[00:06:48] Why don't you read the second paragraph for us?

[00:06:51] Pat: Step 10 is a daily commitment to continue this healing, life affirming process. We continue to examine ourselves and our lives, focusing not only on our errors and shortcomings, but also on our successes, our improvements, and our gifts. We acknowledge the areas in which we are changing and make adjustments as we grow. This process allows us to connect, to bring ourselves more fully to our relationships. It serves as an ongoing reminder that we are not really so different from one another. As we treat ourselves with honesty and compassion, we become capable of extending such treatment to others. We recognize that change doesn't happen overnight, and that in recovery as in much of life, we often take one step back for every two forward.

[00:07:43] I really like steps 10, 11, and 12. I've heard people say it's just a maintenance step, and that's just not what this reading is saying to me, and it's not my experience of these steps. Life affirming. Healing. Looking at our successes, our improvements, and our gifts. Bringing ourselves more fully to our relationships. Those for me are all steps of moving forward. I'm gonna take a little bit of exception with your story, Spencer, in that, rather than seeing myself as I move into old age as being less physically able and less than, I look forward to being more mature, more responsive to people, more engaged in my relationships in really positive ways. And I find that Step 10 is really about practice makes progress.

[00:08:45] So really good example is just having those hard discussions where maybe I said something that offended somebody, but I'm not sure. I have a friend who's Asian. The other day, I said something to her. And then after the fact I thought, oh my God, did that come across as racist or offensive, or, I was really not certain. I know her well and I didn't see any reaction. In the past, before Al-Anon, I would've hidden from that. I would've maybe even avoided contact with her, but so much easier to be able to come back to her the next time I saw her within a couple days. It's like, oh my gosh. When I said X, Y, and Z I'm so sorry if that offended you. I did not mean it that way. It actually wasn't a problem for her at all. But the point was that I was able to leave that in that location at that time, having addressed it, rather than carrying a burden of fear and guilt and shame and anything else.

[00:09:53] And then I can also say to myself, still, here's an opportunity to learn. Here's something that I might have done inappropriately or I would rather do differently next time. This idea of growth and becoming the person that I want to be. So, I love the steps. 10 in particular because it allows me to address these small little issues that, as the readings will say, build up over time and just reaccumulate this burden of guilt and shame and hiding and fear, and instead dissipates it a little bit at a time.

[00:10:32] Spencer: We recognize that change doesn't happen overnight, and that in recovery as in much of life, we often take one step back for every two steps forward. And I'm just thinking, I hope there's at least as many steps forward as there are steps back. And I think sometimes that's not true.

[00:10:47] And this step gives me the opportunity to recognize, oh, I took a step backwards there, or maybe I took two or three steps backwards there. I was acting out of old programs. The sooner I can recognize that, the sooner I can, then do what I need to do to at least come back to where I was. Okay. There's this word daily. I recognize that this is in a lot of the literature. Like Step 10 is a daily inventory. Well, you know what? Step 10 doesn't say every day. It says continued. The AA literature in particular, which was the first introduction of these steps, then goes on to talk about what we do in the morning and what we do in the evening. To me, that's the first place where this notion that this happens on a daily cadence,comes in, and that's basically back at the beginning.

[00:11:45] I want to pull a little bit of a reading in from another one of our books, which is Paths to Recovery. The Step 10 discussion looks like it's in the third paragraph. The sentence says, members share that they find three types of inventory useful. A spot check, a daily check-in, and a periodic long-term check. A spot check can be used anytime throughout the day when we feel that something is not right. We can then take responsibility immediately on our part.

[00:12:17] I find more often than not, that's where I catch myself in stepping back. The times when I don't do that, it sometimes happens that somebody else calls me on my behavior, and then I can do the little spot check right then like, oh, okay, so you're saying I did this thing, yep, I was wrong.or maybe, I had a legitimate reason for doing what I did,but I do that check. I could be wrong. The other person could be wrong. More often, seems like I'm wrong, but you know, that's just my perspective.

[00:12:54] So like yesterday, it is a repeating pattern in my relationship with my wife that we do not coordinate well for breakfast and lunch. And this becomes much more obvious now that I'm retired and she's working part-time. We might both be home at lunch or we might not both be home at lunch. It might be one of us is home and the other one isn't. We might be both out. And also we don't get up at the same time a lot. I tend to be an earlier riser than her, and sometimes it's several hours earlier.

[00:13:31] And so when I'm getting hungry for lunch, like she just had breakfast an hour ago. So my brain says I'm on my own for lunch. ‘ cause she ate or she's not home, or she might not be home, so I'm just gonna do something for lunch. And then she says, why didn't you tell me what you were doing for lunch? And I'm like, yeah, you're right.

[00:13:52] Even if I think you're not interested. Even if I think you might not be there, like if I'm coming home from the gym, like yesterday I'm coming home from the gym and I stopped at a sandwich shop, got a sandwich to have for lunch and brought it home. And she's like, why didn't you tell me you were getting that?

[00:14:11] 'cause I might've wanted one. And I said, well. I thought you just had breakfast so you wouldn't be hungry. That's my brain being a little bit selfish, a little bit self centered . And I said, okay, I get it. Next time I'm gonna stop at the sandwich shop, I will call you and see if you want one. And you might say no. You might say yes, but I need to do that.

[00:14:35] In this case, I didn't catch it. Okay. I kind of did, but then my self-interest part of my brain said, ah, it's okay. Don't worry about it. And then of course I got called out on it. Sometimes it's somebody else, sometimes it's me.

[00:14:52] What I'm not so good at is this daily thing, like at the end of the day, just taking a few moments to consider what happened today. What does it say here? Examine ourselves and our lives, focusing not only on errors and shortcomings, but also on successes, improvements and gifts.

[00:15:12] And usually nobody points out those latter ones to me. And so it really probably would benefit me to take that five minutes or 10 minutes at the end of the day to say, okay, how was today?what went well, what didn't go so well? What might I need to make amends for? Now, as you probably know, adding a new habit to your life takes work. There's the 30 days thing, like do it every day for 30 days and then it starts to become a habit. And I keep telling myself, yeah, I gotta do that. And I don't. Every now and then I like download a new app that's gonna help me do it and it doesn't . I think I need to go back to like step six and seven and say, Hey, higher power, help me with this 'cause this is not working for me.

[00:16:02] So need to think about that. We recognize that change doesn't happen overnight. I think you used that wonderful phrase. Practice makes progress. It's not practice makes perfect. Practice makes progress. I love it.

[00:16:15] And with that, move on to paragraph three, which is the last paragraph in this section.

[00:16:21] This step must be taken with sincere self-honesty, but also with great compassion. We are doing our best. We are human, and we will fall short of perfection. Instead of justifying our mistakes and creating new sources of guilt, we can simply admit to ourselves that we were wrong. As soon as we realize it, making amends whenever appropriate. It's as if we have cleaned up a badly corroded automobile. Now we are faced with the choice of maintaining it and responding immediately when we see signs of new corrosion or ignoring the problem until it becomes as unbearable as it was before. Step 10 allows us to maintain ourselves in good working condition, free of unnecessary burdens.

[00:17:05] And that's why I love this step. How many times have I read this book? I don't know. I. Why is this rusty automobile? This is the first time I've seen it. This happens in the literature, you know, when I'm reading the literature, it's like badly corroded automobile. Okay. I mean, I know about cleaning up my side of the street, but this is good because what I know is living in the rust belt as I do, once a car starts rusting, it's gonna keep on rusting. It takes some serious steps to reverse that.

[00:17:37] I actually, I've only done that really once with a car. That the car was still in good shape, but the body had massive rust in spots. I sent off, got this whole rust removal, repair, and repainting kit with the original paint color and everything. that felt really good to be, grinding down the old rusty bits and a couple places where I had to put on Bondo to fill in holes, and painting it, and buffing it and using like 2000 grit sandpaper to get it nice and shiny. It felt good while I was doing it and I think that's the power of this analogy, right? Is it actually feels good to start cleaning up the rusty spots in my psyche.and then working to keep them all new and shiny and not letting them rust back again.

[00:18:32] How about you?

[00:18:33] Pat: I'm really glad you brought up different ways of doing this step. So I'll be honest, I've tried that nightly inventory many, many times, many times. And the problem is, I, I do exactly what you said. You know, you pointed out how that positive part about how have we improved, what are our successes, what are our talents?

[00:18:55] That part, even when I acknowledge it, doing a nightly inventory, it, it just always ended up being beating up myself. I would end up getting stomach aches over it, which is usually a cardinal sign that something's not right In Pat's world.

[00:19:10] I have found that absolutely the most effective thing for me to do is if it's an immediate thing where I can recognize the problem is just addressing it in the moment. And the more I do that, that's why I just love how this is a growth step. The more I do that, the easier it becomes. The more I do it, the more I can laugh at myself when I'm doing something.

[00:19:35] I had, oh my gosh, a situation at work, where I was called in to assist with a situation that had rather escalated. I've got tons of training in it and lots of experience. The particulars of this situation were such that I went in to talk to the escalated folks and immediately escalated myself. It was mortifying. It was so embarrassing. I had to apologize to all of the team members that I had gone in with and had actually said, no, my role is important in this situation. I need to be there for this, to work with this situation. And it was honestly purely mortifying. But the beauty of it was that in the moment, literally in the moment, I was able to say, because they objected to my behavior, you're right. I mean, I could never have done this before. Al-Anon. You are right. I'm raising my voice. I'm bringing my voice down, and I brought my voice down and brought my voice down, and I uncrossed my arms and I stopped shaking my finger at them. Well, that was the first thing I stopped. We actually progressed to a fairly useful conversation, which was truly, I mean, to the other people's credit as well. Even more so after the fact. I have a team that I work with that all may find themselves in the same similar scenario. I was able to share my story with them and say, oh, I really screwed up here. Oh, this is what I did wrong. Oh, I can see this is what triggered me. I, now, I can see why I reacted and became very reactive in the moment.

[00:21:26] That's night and day from where I was before. And I walked away from that not only not having a burden, not blaming myself for imperfection or screwing up, mortified, embarrassed, yes. But also able to share what I learned with my coworkers and laugh at myself about it, and became a tool for positivity.

[00:21:50] That to me is the essence of step 10. And that's in the moment. And that takes practice. And the beauty of it is we are in an imperfect world, and we're always gonna have new opportunities for practice.

[00:22:03] The other thing I find is that when something starts unsettling deep inside me, when I'm getting a cue that there's something, or I've pulled away and hidden about it, that's where sitting down and letting it kind of stew inside and then listening to my gut, listening to my body and saying, oh, really need to think about this, then maybe a few days later. But doing kind of more of a formal nightly inventory just is not, it's not only a ineffective, it's, it's detrimental.

[00:22:35] The other time that I find myself really practicing it is in conflict with my spouse also. I may personally think that 95% of the problem is on their side of the street, but, and when I focus on that 5% of the problem that's on my side of the street,then it changes the whole balance of the interaction. I'm not even looking at what's on the other side of the street and it lets the other person start reacting to me differently. But that's all about the practice to progress.

[00:23:07] I looked at that automobile and I thought as we move on past our initial step fours, many of us have done multiple step fours. I think that recognizes the fact that we don't dig all the way deep. we haven't tunneled to our very, very core, when we do a step four. There's more layers to be peeled back. And so step 10 is part of that process of peeling back those layers, having that aha moment somewhere in my day-to-day life. Which is almost always associated with some form of a step 10 that's in the moment.

[00:23:43] Spencer: I want to pick up that automobile analogy because something happened last week, that sort of illustrated for me why, as you say, sometimes we go back and really do a searching and fearless moral inventory in step four again because. The first time we did it, we were looking at one layer of the onion, or you said we didn't dig deep enough. We've unpeeled that layer of the onion and underneath it is another layer and there's new stuff in there that we didn't see, or we weren't ready to see, or we weren't willing to look at the first time through.

[00:24:18] Took one of our cars in for its regular maintenance. And it goes in and they do a thorough inspection of the car, including underneath the car where I don't crawl. They gave me an estimate on the regularly scheduled maintenance. Okay. Replacing the brake fluid and doing stuff with the hybrid power system. I don't know what, but it costs several hundred dollars to do. Just to keep it like performing well. Okay.and they call me back and they're like, okay, your front brakes,the discs are rusted and the pads are down to three millimeters, which is pretty thin, so you really ought to replace those and your rear suspension is seized. Now, I don't know how I would know that. I mean, number one, I'm not the regular driver of this car, but when I have driven it, like, what symptom would tell me that the rear suspension isn't working the way it's supposed to.

[00:25:19] So that's like the deeper inventory of the car and it uncovers things that Yeah. Need to be fixed, like the brakes for sure. The rear suspension, hopefully the car will be a little more comfortable to drive and it will last longer, I'm sure. And, and if it's all seized up, like, does that mean , if we hit a big pothole, it could break, that's not good.

[00:25:39] But I would never have noticed that without in this case, having somebody else do the inventory because I don't have the skill to do it. I think that there probably are things in my life that are like that too. And so yes, it is worthwhile to go back and do a deeper inventory periodically, for sure.

[00:25:57] I wanted to read this, selection that you pointed out in the Courage to Change Daily Reader.This is part of the reading for October 14th, which is on page 288. It says, I give thanks for Step ten's, reminder that I need to continue taking personal inventory and making frequent corrections, especially in the areas where I tend to repeat my mistakes.

[00:26:22] And then the reminder. It is no easy task to change the thinking of a lifetime. Even when I'm sure that I want to change. The 10th step allows me to be aware of sliding back into faulty thinking. I don't have to abuse myself when it happens. That doesn't help at all. By promptly admitting when I'm wrong, I'm doing what I can to change. And then the quote from in all our affairs, which is another Al-Anon reader, no longer must we accumulate burdens of guilt or resentment that will become heavier and more potent over time. Each day, each new moment can be an opportunity to clear the air and start again fresh and free. That to me really captures why we do this step. Accumulate burdens of guilt; opportunity to clear the air and start again. I mean, that's why I love this step because it lets me keep that stuff from weighing me down. I don't have to carry it.

[00:27:22] Any thoughts on that reading?

[00:27:24] Pat: It's no easy task change thinking of a lifetime. That is so true. A lot of the benefit of the program is that we're able to recognize those things. We've worked with our sponsors and we've worked up to the step, and so we're much more able to recognize our faulty thinking and that sets us up for success with addressing situations like that.

[00:27:52] Or, stopping the slide just a couple feet down that slope, instead of going down a steep drop, Not having to abuse ourself when it happens. I, I hear that kind of as a theme through here, which is,not striving for perfection.

[00:28:08] Another reading from Courage to Change. page 2 36.

[00:28:14] I developed a tremendous fear of making mistakes. It seemed crucial to cover every possible outcome because mistakes often led to an avalanche of accusations and abuse from the alcoholic, and eventually from myself. My self-esteem diminished because the slightest error felt huge and I couldn't let it go. So I began to cover up and rationalize my mistakes, all the while desperately trying to maintain an appearance of perfect self-control.

[00:28:43] In Al-Anon, I learned to take down that rigid wall of seeming perfection to honestly admit mistakes and to open myself for growth. Step 10 in which I continue to taking my inventory and promptly admit when I am wrong, has been liberating because it challenges me daily, to be honest. Sometimes it makes me squirm, but I know that when I tell the truth, I'm free of the lies that held me back. As Mark Twain put it, if you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

[00:29:14] Today's reminder, I will probably make a mistake of some sort every day of my life. If I view this as a personal failing or pretend that no mistakes have occurred. I make my life unmanageable when I stop struggling to be perfect and admit that I am wrong. I can let go of guilt and shame. That is cause for rejoicing.

[00:29:36] Quote, help them to take failure, not as a measure of their worth, but as a chance for a new start.

[00:29:43] That really speaks to my personal experience with being in an alcoholic relationship, was that perfectionism that I felt I had to strive for and, and the tying together of self-esteem with that. My self-esteem was so poor that anything that I perceived, it wasn't even necessarily a criticism, but I perceived as a criticism would throw me into a, just a complete reaction of fear. And ultimately I felt unlovable. It was a really deep, dark place to be. To no longer react to any imperfection, whether I perceived it or somebody else did, and I think I was probably often my own harshest critic, it really is cause for rejoicing.

[00:30:36] So I think for people who are just beginning to work through this program or who are listening to this podcast, nowhere near step 10, or having practiced a lot of these behaviors, they do come to fruition that, that slow little, tiny bit at a time.

[00:30:56] This is such a hopeful, positive step because your life comes to a place where,it's no longer such a lonely, sad, dark place. It's one of positivity. I don't know if I've told this story before, but long ago I was in a work situation where they had done personality inventories and they split us up into groups and then they put the word conflict on a whiteboard, and the two different groups had to write how they reacted to that or what they thought about the word conflict.

[00:31:30] Probably about a third of the group was with me. And our reaction was, I mean, I literally was in tears, in tears with that folded arms, super tense. We came up with maybe three things to say about it, and all of it was awful. And then we shared our responses and Spencer, you're nodding like, you know the results of this.

[00:31:52] So over on the other side of the room. Somebody had said opportunity for growth. And I was like, are you out of your mind? How can that be an opportunity for growth? Oh my gosh. so that, that to me is really emblematic of the difference between pre Al-Anon, early Al-Anon and moving into this place where we have a step 10 and it's so okay to not be perfect. It's so okay to say,I even made a bad mistake, I'm sorry, I'm gonna change things from here on. You know, we've just finished step nine of making amends, but you know, in step 10 we haven't really mentioned this. You do make amends wherever appropriate, and those amends don't have to be huge things.

[00:32:43] They can be very simple as long as they're heartfelt and they are done with intent for change. As long as we're doing that, then we're continuing to grow or continuing to practice better growthful behavior.

[00:32:58] Do you have any thoughts on that reading Spencer?

[00:33:01] Spencer: You've covered it pretty well. One of the things that I was thinking about, and none of these readings have really touched on it or developed it anyway, is the way in which I have come to recognize practicing step 10 as, an encapsulation of the first nine steps.

[00:33:22] Just briefly, so I do something and I recognize at some point, maybe not right away, oh, I made a mistake here.

[00:33:34] I can actually apply all of the first nine steps because first thing is recognizing that this thing happened. I did this thing. I cannot change the fact that I did this thing. I am powerless over the fact that it happened. Okay? That's step one, right?

[00:33:53] The next two steps tell me that, hey, I don't have to fix this alone. I can reach out and ask for help from whatever manifestation of my higher power is available to me at the moment.

[00:34:08] I probably wanna take a little bit of time looking at what I was feeling, what was I reacting to? Because very often when I act in error, it's because I'm reacting to something that maybe I didn't consciously recognize at the time. That's step four work, for me.Let's do an inventory on this thing that happened. Let's take our why's and dig in a little bit or however, however, you know, you do to, to start to look at not just what happened, but what was going on in me as the phrase have, what was my part, right?

[00:34:42] I might then wanna share it with another person, maybe to get another perspective on it, or just because when I just hold it inside myself, things don't go as well as they could a lot of the time. Definitely share it with myself and my higher power, at least. That's step five. In that step four action, in that inventory action, I have recognized maybe an underlying, shortcoming or character defect or character trait, that is not serving me well and I can become willing to change. Step six.

[00:35:17] I can ask for help from a higher power to change. Step seven.

[00:35:22] If I hurt somebody, then I need to understand who I hurt and how I hurt them. Step eight. So that I can make appropriate amends. Apology, changing behavior, whatever it needs to be in step nine.

[00:35:37] Sometimes this whole process takes a few minutes, sometimes it takes a day, sometimes it takes longer. It's kinda like everything up to this point can get packed into step 10, so that I don't have to go back and do the big thing. I can just do the small thing. and you know, I did not understand what people meant when they said, yeah, I worked the steps on that problem. And this is my understanding of how I have come to do exactly that work, the steps on a problem. That gets me to a point where I have a path of progress, to go forward in my life. This step is what keeps me from having to go back.

[00:36:25] We'll take a little break, and then we'll come back and talk about our lives in recovery, about how recovery is working in our lives today.

Song 1

[00:36:34] Spencer: Pat, you chose some songs. What's the first one?

[00:36:39] Pat: The first song is Grow As We Go. It's by Alex Hope, Ben Abraham and Ben Platt. And I believe the video we have is performed by Ben Platt. I was in a particular mood when I was choosing songs and I think I was really in a mood of one of growing together. in Grow as we go, there's also really nice video with dancing. And the dancing kind of says to me conflict and then conflict resolution and people moving together.

[00:37:10] He says, who said it's true that the growing only happens on your own? In the song, there seemed to be challenging, a partner who wants to leave and says, I gotta do this work myself, and I think I have to do it alone. And he says, who said it's true that the growing only happens on your own and then admits their own part in it? I am unfinished. I have so much left to learn. I don't know who we'll become. I can promise it's not written in the stars, but I believe that when it's done, we're gonna see that it was better that we grew up together. You can change right next to me. When you are high, I'll take the lows. You can ebb and I can flow. We'll take it slow and grow as we go.

[00:37:57] That really felt like Al-Anon to me. feels like we're not alone. We don't have to try to live this life by ourselves. We don't have to try to make it through our ebbs and flows by ourselves. We can share that journey with other people and grow and it just kind of says, yeah, we don't know where we're gonna end up, but we can do it together as a group and as co-supporters and co-growers.

[00:38:25]

Our Lives in Recovery

[00:38:33] Spencer: In this section of the podcast, we talk about our lives in recovery. How have we experienced recovery recently?

[00:38:40] One of the things that has come up for me recently, I've talked, probably a lot, in this section of the podcast about working with the teens in my church community. I've been in different roles over the last decade and a half, more or less, maybe even longer. My goodness.

[00:39:01] In the last couple of years, I have been a co-advisor for, our 10th through 12th grade group. A couple of weeks ago, the person who was the lead advisor, said to me, this is my last year. And she didn't say it, but my brain said, okay, Spencer, you're gonna have to step up. Part of me, the self-centered selfish part of me says, I don't wanna do all that work. And another part of me says, but you know, you can, you've done it before and you really enjoy working with these kids.

[00:39:42] And apparently they honor the fact that I and my fellow advisors are there. They actually said this explicitly to the entire congregation a few weeks ago, when the teen group gets to lead one service each year. At the end they said some words about the advisors, about how we are there for them. And, and we see them. It brought tears to my eyes, just like, I didn't know you felt this way. And maybe I should have, but I didn't. and getting that explicit verbal recognition was really big.

[00:40:16] I have not yet gone to the person in charge of the program to say, I will step up and be the lead advisor since my friend has stepped back. Because I wanted to make sure that I could do it. I would say that the way this connects for me, to my whole recovery program is this more intentional way of making decisions about what I say yes to and what I say no to, because there are other things I've been asked to do and I have said no, I do not have the time, the energy, the bandwidth to do that along with the other things that I'm doing.

[00:40:54] It's not that I wouldn't want to, under other circumstances, I can't make the commitment to that along with the other things that I'm doing and give them what I need to give. That has come directly out of the things that I learned in Al-Anon about growing out of my codependent behavior that would have me say yes to everything. So using these principles in all my affairs, that's one of the places that came up for me recently. How about you?

[00:41:22] Pat: A couple different things. I have been really struggling. I think I spoke a little bit ago about losing my sponsor to dementia.So I've been struggling still with setting time aside for meetings. I'm still working full-time. in getting ready for this particular podcast, I was like, oh, okay. I think I can. Oftentimes I schedule on my weekday days off, just social time. And I think if I just put in the Al-Anon meetings into my calendar first, then I can smoosh the social time around it. I think that might work. Doing the podcast has actually been really positive and beneficial for me. A way of kind of stepping up my game and stepping back into the program, being more thoughtful about it and deliberate about it. Intentional as you would say.

[00:42:11] The other thing, is that I made some not so great financial choices recently. One of which was to trust the system and not bother to look at my bank accounts on a regular basis or balance my checkbook. I had enough in there kind of know how much I'm gonna need and how much I'm getting from my paycheck and didn't really have to worry about watching every penny. I went to my bank and took out some cash recently and went, oh my gosh. The account balance was far lower than I thought it should have been. It was right after a paycheck and, realized that somebody had been making false charges on my account to the tune of some pretty hefty numbers, like in the thousands.

[00:42:59] and wow, Al-Anon is all over how I managed that whole situation because I, I can't even, I think I would've just freaked out in the past. The tools that I used were recognizing my feelings that I was having at the moment, which of course, were not really fantastic or super happy, but recognizing them. Acknowledging them. Recognizing my powerlessness. I mean, at the moment, it had already been done. Okay. So all I have from here is to move forward. It just was not gonna do me any good to try to rant and rave about something I was powerless over. So making my choices about where I was gonna move forward from there.

[00:43:39] And putting things in perspective. Holy cow. I just had a friend this week die from ALS. and I'm looking around me living in an urban environment, and all of the people who are unhoused and don't have enough food and all of the changes to the social support system. I don't have those concerns. I had enough bandwidth that it took a while before I even it recognized that this is a serious problem in my account.

[00:44:10] So putting it all in perspective, having gratitude for my health, having gratitude for the things I have in my life that allow me to live a fairly comfortable life and focus on becoming the person I wanna be instead of focusing on where is my next meal or, you know, where am I gonna have shelter tonight when I sleep? Really has allowed me to just manage this whole situation fairly well.

[00:44:39] My husband was helping me out with situations and another Al-Anon tool I was able to use was, okay, he's being a little tiny bit irritating in this scenario, but 98% really super helpful with some really good ideas. I was able to be open to hearing what he had to say instead of just shutting him down inside my head.

[00:45:01] All in all, I have to say, I have a lot to be grateful for, and it was a big hiccup. I may or may not get that money back. We'll see what Visa has to say. So Al-Anon was really pretty helpful this week in my world and certainly kept me from some really extreme reactions or maybe unuseful behavior or even unkind behavior to my partner.

[00:45:27] Spencer: that's sort of a nightmare scenario, really.

[00:45:31] Pat: yeah.

[00:45:31] Spencer: I don't know if I would've handled it that well.

Upcoming

[00:45:34] Spencer: Let's look forward in the podcast. We're almost through our series on the steps, we have steps 11 and 12 remaining. I already have a guest lined up to talk about step 11. We welcome your thoughts. You can always join our conversation, leave us a voicemail or send us an email with your feedback or your questions. And Pat, how can people do that?

[00:45:59] Pat: Oh, you can send a voice memo or email to feedback at the recovery dot show, or if you prefer, you can call and leave us a voicemail, 7 3 4 7 0 7 8 7 9 5. You can also use the voicemail button on the website to join the conversation from your computer. We'd love to hear from you. Share your experience, strength, and hope, or your questions about today's topic of Step 10 or any of our upcoming topics, including steps 11 and 12. If you have a topic you'd like us to talk about, let us know.

[00:46:34] If you would like advance notice for some of our topics so that you can contribute to that topic, you can sign up for our mailing list by sending an email to feedback at the recovery dot show. Put email in the subject line and that makes it easier to spot.

[00:46:50] Spencer, where can our listeners find out more about the recovery show?

[00:46:54] Spencer: Hey, that would be on our website, the recovery dot show, where we have all the information that's available about the show. Mostly that's notes for each episode, which will include links to the books that we read from, videos for the music that we chose. And also you can find there are some links to other recovery podcasts and websites that we like.

[00:47:18] A little bit more of podcast news. as you have probably heard, if you've been listening recently, I will be going to the AA International Convention up in Vancouver at the beginning of July. That means I'm actually gonna be away from home for a couple of weeks, and that will very likely have an impact on the publication schedule for the podcast.

[00:47:42] I have dreams of maybe doing some reporting directly from the convention, but we'll see how that works out. And then I'm gonna be on a cruise with limited internet access. So anyway, we'll see what happens. I'm hoping to meet several people have written to me and said, yeah, I'm gonna be there. Let's figure out how to meet up. I think it'll be a lot of fun, and a lot of recovery.

Song 2

[00:48:06] Spencer: Our second musical selection, which again, is available on the website at the recovery show slash 4 35, is by Elton John. And you're probably gonna guess when you heard the name Elton John, but the title of the song is, Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word. Which just feels like it totally relates to this step. You know, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. The sentiment there is. It's hard to say, I'm sorry. I screwed up. we're broken up and I'm finding it hard to say, I'm sorry. Or maybe we broke up because I couldn't say, I'm sorry. A number of different ways to read that song.

[00:48:44]

Listener Feedback

[00:48:52] Spencer: I always love to hear from you. I've heard from a number of people who are planning to be at the AA International Convention in Vancouver. Making tentative plans to meet up at the convention. Again, if you're planning to go and you haven't sent me an email at feedback at the recovery dot show, please do because I'd love to meet you.

[00:49:15] I got an email from an anonymous listener who writes, hi Spencer. Thank you so much for the recovery show. I have participated in the Al-Anon Fellowship for 17 years. Your podcast is like a healthy meeting accessible to everyone, especially those who are curious, yet not ready to attend a Zoom or in person Al-Anon meeting.

[00:49:33] In my work as a therapist, I often refer people to your podcast as well as to Al-Anon dot org. I'm just gonna pause here and say, wow, thank you for that. The listener continues. The episode on step nine was helpful and thorough. Just one glitch. The second audio recording of Heather's experience with Step nine repeated the story of her attempt to make amends to her ex-boyfriend, rather than listeners hearing her amends to her sister. I don't know if you can edit it now that it's already published, but just wanted to let you know. Again, thank you so much for your service. Gratefully Anonymous.

[00:50:07] This came in very shortly after the step nine episode had been published, and I immediately went and fixed the audio, put the correct share from Heather in there and uploaded it again.

[00:50:20] For people whose podcast app had already downloaded the wrong episode, I made a post titled fixed, that would cause the new one to be downloaded. If you've listened and it's fixed because it is fixed in the original episode, now, then no need to worry. And in fact, I will, in the next few days, I will go and remove the fixed episode because it probably will no longer be necessary.

[00:50:44] In the last episode, I included a voice memo from Esther about sponsorship and some of the challenges she was having. I suggested that she might look for a sponsor at an online meeting.

[00:50:55] She wrote back, said, hi, Spencer. Thanks so much for your reply and your suggestions. My former sponsor always said, a sponsorship relation works better face-to-face. While it is true that in-person communication has a closeness that online communication may lack, I agree with you that we are lucky to live in a time in which we can connect with fellows in other parts of the world, and that gives us more choices.

[00:51:19] Now I am trying out different online meetings and listening with an open mind to try and discern what kind of sponsor my higher power wants me to work with. I'm looking forward to hearing other listeners experience with sponsorship. Greetings from Germany, Esther.

[00:51:33] Thank you, Esther, for responding. And I totally agree that in my experience, sponsorship very likely works better face to face. However, sometimes that's not possible and I'm actually currently sponsoring somebody who's six times zones away from me and we're doing okay.

[00:51:51] I might send out a email to the mailing list asking for experience with online sponsorship. It's not a totally new thing. I know people whose main contact with their sponsor for years has been on the phone. The use of remote meeting tools such as Zoom probably increased the number of people who have sponsors that they don't or can't meet face to face with and be great to hear that experience.

[00:52:17] Nancy wrote, hi Spencer. I had the pleasure of doing a show with you on whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. Episode 377. I listen to your podcast all the time and just heard the last episode on step nine. I had a very interesting experience with making amends to my husband and loved one just this past weekend.

[00:52:36] After being in Al-Anon for 30 years and working this program, I still got backed up against a wall and lied to both of them. Thank God for the program because at another time I would've kept up this behavior and both my spouse and son would've suffered along with me. There are no mistakes, only lessons.

[00:52:55] The 10th step played right into what took place, and I promptly admitted my wrongs. I was able to clear the decks and come clean. It was freeing and humbling, especially for someone in the program for so long. You would've thought that I was not as concerned with what my husband thought of me, people pleasing 1 0 1 and felt better about myself with far more self-worth.

[00:53:15] I find that this is something that can be discussed at an episode on step 10, continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting it, but at what cost. No matter our age, maturity, confidence, how difficult is it to work this step in a healthy way?

[00:53:29] I would love to do another episode with you and explore this. I know you're doing step 10 now, and having just experienced an aha moment with step nine I am worth learning about. It is ongoing that I trust that I will uncover whatever I need to know for now. It is all about love, forgiveness, and understanding, and taking a personal inventory involves all those qualities.

[00:53:51] Best to you and hope to hear from you, Nancy.

[00:53:54] I invited Nancy to join me for an episode, so we'll see when that happens.

[00:53:59] Valerie wrote, hi Spencer. The fact that I am actually finally reaching out to you is a true testament to my progress in recovery. You have been a part of my active recovery program since early 2023, and I can't imagine where I would be without your voice and the experience, strength, and hope of you and your guests in my ears on a regular basis.

[00:54:20] Until now, I was certain that I had nothing new or novel that would be worth sharing on such a large platform as your podcast. And since I listen while taking long walks, I have never been at my computer to act on my frequent desire to reach out and simply say I enjoyed the episodes. So why now? Because I just finished listening to episode 4 34 on step nine, and I realized that Step 10 is next.

[00:54:43] Ironically, my husband and I did a Step 10 today as part of our couples 12 step program in recovering couples anonymous, RCA, and I have only heard you mention RCA in one episode along the way. So I thought perhaps there may be interest in discussing RCA in more detail, or at least about the role it has played in my active recovery journey.

[00:55:05] And if you already have a speaker lined up for step 10, perhaps step 12 would be an alternative opportunity to speak about practicing both Al-Anon and RCA in all my affairs. Keep up the amazing work you are doing to create hope for so many who may feel their situation is hopeless. How grateful I am to know I am not alone.

[00:55:22] Sincerely, Valerie. And again, I wrote back to Valerie and invited her to, schedule a time to talk about step 12. So that will be coming.

[00:55:33] That is your feedback for today. Keep those letters and voicemails coming.

Thanks, Pat

[00:55:40] Spencer: Pat, I want to thank you for joining me today for our dive into step 10.

Song 3

[00:55:47] Spencer: And you've got one more song.

[00:55:50] Pat: It's this really cool song by Melissa Etheridge,. It's called Gently We Row. God, what a cool song.

[00:55:58] And it feels very Step ten-ish, in a lot of ways. but it's again, kind of goes back to the, some of the same thoughts with the first song. It's her journey and she moves from being alone, looking to the outside for answers and then finding herself. And in finding herself, then she's able to row slowly, gently row her way down her life's passage in a river.

[00:56:29] The other thing I love that she does, and that just feels very Al-Anon, is that she takes what she was given and improves on it. So in the analogy she says, she asked her mother for advice and her mother drew a room and just said to her, turn off the light when you leave.But when her daughter asks her, she, for her daughter, draws a door and a key and says, when you're ready, I get choked up on this song. When you're ready, come find me. And then they row together down the stream. It's a gentle row. It's a gentle progression. It's becoming who you're going to become together as a team.

[00:57:15] And then she speaks about illusions as being your life. So you start with your life as an illusion. And then she says, I won't complicate my daughter's illusions with mine. So I just love that too. I love that she's making choices not to put her issues onto her daughter and let her daughter discover her own path, but at the same time is on that path with her as they rode gently down the river.

[00:57:46] It's a gentle program, and that's something I've heard so many times. I think Spencer, you've said it many times, is that Al-Anon is a gentle program. It's a gentle program of loving ourselves, of being compassionate. There's a lot of compassion that was mentioned in the Step 10 readings, and it requires a huge amount of compassion for ourselves. One of 'em mentions that as we become more compassionate for ourselves, then we're able to be compassionate for others. This song was a real gem and I had not heard it before, but I'm really glad I found it.

Outro

[00:58:29] Spencer: Thank you for listening and please keep coming back. Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If we did not talk about a problem you are facing today, feel free to contact us so we can talk about it in a future episode. May understanding, love and peace grow in you one day at a time.