Intro

[00:00:00] Ufasaha Y: Step six to me was an invitation to do something that felt good. I like the idea we read, instead we are reminded that we are in a partnership with a power greater than ourselves. That idea that I'm not doing this alone is very comforting to me.

[00:00:24] Spencer: Welcome to episode 423 of The Recovery Show. This episode is brought to you by Shira, Jennifer, Cecilia, Rebecca, and Karen. They used the donation button on our website. Thank you Shira, Jennifer, Cecilia, Rebecca, and Karen for your generous contributions. This episode is for you.

[00:00:43] We are friends and family members of alcoholics and addicts who have found a path to serenity and happiness. We who live or have lived with the seemingly hopeless problem of addiction understand as perhaps few others can. So much depends on our own attitudes and we believe that changed attitudes can aid recovery.

[00:01:01] Ufasaha Y: Before we begin, we would like to state that in this show we represent ourselves rather than any 12 step program. During this show we will share our own experiences. The opinions expressed here are strictly those of the person who gave them. Take what you like and leave the rest. We hope that you will find something in our sharing that speaks to your life.

[00:01:23] Spencer: My name is Spencer. I am your host today. Joining me today is Ufasaha. Welcome to The Recovery Show.

Our conversation

[00:01:29] Spencer: Today we're talking about step six, which states we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. And Ufasaha, you brought a reading from Drop the Rock, which is a book that some people may be familiar with, and some this may be their first introduction to it.

[00:01:50] Ufasaha Y: Thanks Spencer and very happy to be joining you today.

[00:01:55] When I started Step 6, I didn't know quite what to make of it and my sponsor suggested I read Drop the Rock, which is a book from AA. Page one at the bottom, it says step six tells us to relax. We don't do it all alone. Reflect. We turn to our higher power with confidence. Think of the relief that is waiting once we become entirely ready. It's like heading into a hot shower after working at a grubby chore. Feeling the dirt wash away is great.

[00:02:28] We emerge refreshed and shining and ready to deal with whatever comes our way. And then on page 2, surrender is usually brought up in the context of pain. When our life is unmanageable and causing pain, we must turn it over. When we decide to turn our life and our will over to the care of God as we understand Him, we've opened the door to surrender.

[00:02:50] In the third step, it is the decision that is the key point, an active use of the will to turn it over, to align our will with God's. In step 6, an even more active use of the will is required. We must act as if it has already taken place. We must have faith. Too many who take the fifth step, make their confession and look around wondering where the solution lies.

[00:03:19] Spencer: That last sentence, for me really highlights that, and this was true for me, that the real work of recovery for me started with steps six and seven. One through three are making a foundation on which I can start to look at myself, which is step four and five. But six and seven are the beginning of changing, which is what recovery is about, right? It's changing the way I live, to something that I guess we could call it better, right?

[00:03:53] Ufasaha Y: Yes, exactly. I found it really exhausting to do steps four and five. I was pretty tired at that point and felt drained,sort of like,after running a marathon, and getting to step six was refreshing in a way where it felt like forgiveness. To me,

[00:04:17] Spencer: Interesting. I think I see what you're saying. I don't know that I experienced that way myself.

[00:04:23] Ufasaha Y: I was blessed to have a very gentle sponsor, coming into Al Anon.I think she, she came into my life for a reason and very different from how I treated myself up until that point, she was very gentle. Giving me this book, Drop the Rock, and recommending I read it, also felt like an act of gentleness and forgiveness.

[00:04:47] And I really needed that. I'm often very hard on myself perhaps why steps four and five felt hard and difficult.

[00:04:56] Spencer: Yes, I could see that. the title of the book, Drop the Rock, I think I want to talk about that just a little bit, because the concept here, as I understand it, and I've heard this story related by other people in recovery, that the story has to do with a group of people who are on a boat, and I guess the boat is sinking, so they have to jump into the water and swim to shore.

[00:05:20] And one of the people is holding this rock, which for some reason is really important to her. And of course the rock is weighing her down in the water and making it hard for her to swim. And her friends keep shouting to her to drop the rock, drop the rock, so you can swim to shore. The symbolism may be obvious, but the symbolism is that the rock is us holding on to all of these, what Step 6 calls defects of character, these things that are part of our lives that are not helping us anymore, that are not working for us anymore.

[00:05:53] And we need to drop those things. And step six is about being willing to drop that rock, to drop those things that are weighing us down. So that's my understanding of why it's called drop the rock.

[00:06:04] Ufasaha Y: You know far more about the background of the title than I do. that's great to learn and to hear.for me, drop the rock is definitely about. Laying down something that's heavy. I think, again, coming out of steps four and five, I felt that I was defective, you know,listing all of those defects of character, recalling all of the ways that I had, potentially injured others and injured myself.

[00:06:41] saying it out loud Having the disease of perfectionism, as I do, I wanted to be cured of those. I wanted them to be removed. So for me, drop the rock doesn't necessarily mean, that. God is removing these and they're never going to come back, right? Because that's not the reality of human nature.

[00:07:07] We know that. For me, it means I don't have to hold them, but my higher power can hold them. And if my higher power is holding them, and it's not weighing me down, I'll just be a little bit more okay.

[00:07:24] Spencer: Thank you.

[00:07:26] I think at this point, I want to move into the step six reading from the book, How Al Anon Works, which I view as our basic text of Al Anon. So, just as the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is their basic text. What I want to do here is read a paragraph and then we each respond to that paragraph and move forward that way. I'll start with the first one, which follows on to your, point about steps four and five, I think very well here.

[00:07:53] In steps four and five, we uncovered aspects of our lives and our personalities that needed change. Most of us are uncomfortable with these aspects of ourselves and want to get rid of them as quickly as possible. But Step 6 says nothing about changing ourselves or making our own defects of character go away. In fact, this step points out that we are powerless to remove our defects of character by ourselves. Instead, we are reminded that we are in a partnership with a power greater than ourselves. Our role in this partnership is to accept ourselves as we are, flaws and all, and to become willing to let go of all that stands in the way of our health and growth. No other action is required. The rest is up to a power greater than ourselves.

[00:08:38] I feel like you already said some of this, but what does this paragraph say to you?

[00:08:43] Ufasaha Y: You know, the powerlessness is a tricky concept for me. It can be interpreted in my case, that I don't have self determination or purpose.

[00:08:58] But as I start thinking about it a little bit,

[00:09:02] And we'll perhaps come to this a little later, is this idea of surrender, and the idea of having faith. It's very freeing not to have to do anything.

[00:09:13] I can either be fearful of that concept, which I definitely carry a lot of fear, or I can embrace it and really relax into it. I liked the idea of relaxing until I was brave enough to actually try telling myself, okay, I didn't do the dishes last night, as an example, I have that often.

[00:09:38] I'm not going to wake up to a swarm of pests or insects in my kitchen. The whole house will not fall apart. It's gonna be okay, and I'm not a bad person. I don't practice bad hygiene either. And the next morning, I wake up and everything is okay. It's totally fine, and I feel good. The more I practice that notion, the better I got.

[00:10:06] the better my anxiety was. .

[00:10:08] Spencer: I woke up to dirty dishes this morning too. So there we are. Yeah. I guess what I see here is this reminder that these steps, some of them are bigger than others. Some of them seem bigger than others.but each step is there for a reason. If I was going to be cynical, I would say, well, you know, Bill Wilson decided he needed 12, so he divided them up. But, I've also heard that he was trying to make sure there were no loopholes for any alcoholics to, to step through.

[00:10:45] Separating the act of becoming ready from the act of actually taking action about my defects, makes. It's a smaller step, basically, right? It's not a great big step all at once, and I'm reminded of what happened when I was at the beginning of working the fourth step, and I immediately jumped to, I'm finding things that I did that might have harmed somebody else, and I'm gonna have to make amends for them, and I don't know how that's gonna happen, and my sponsor said, look, right now, just making a list. Okay? We're not anywhere near the point of making amends, even deciding that you have to make amends. We're just making a list of things. I'm like, oh, okay. And similarly here, I don't immediately have to go into how is this gonna,how is my perfectionism, how is my procrastination,how am I going to deal with? Okay. I would like my perfectionism and my procrastination to be removed or reduced, one or the other, somewhere in that range. not something I have to decide right now. I'm just ready to have change happen, you know?

[00:11:58] Ufasaha Y: You know what's beautiful how you put that, in terms of splitting it up. The desire is there.and gosh, what a great thing to desire. Right?

[00:12:10] Spencer: no

[00:12:10] Ufasaha Y: I mean, I don't have to be scared of the step, actually.Step six to me was an invitation to do something that felt good. And I like the idea in this, sentence where we read, instead we are reminded that we are in a partnership with a power greater than ourselves.

[00:12:32] That idea that I'm not doing this alone. I think I suffer from the fear of being alone, or actually being alone, that concept in my life has been paralyzing sometimes. so this is very comforting to me.

[00:12:51] Spencer: Yeah. Why don't you read the second paragraph?

[00:12:54] Ufasaha Y: In other words, in step six, we learn to, quote, let go and let God. This means that we must once again learn to trust the God of our understanding to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. It isn't always easy because we know too much to remain comfortable with our defects. As we catch ourselves acting them out, we don't like what we see. We want to be proud of ourselves and feel at peace with our behavior, yet we are increasingly embarrassed at what we find ourselves saying and doing. These actions, attitudes, and habits do not reflect the person we are striving to become.

[00:13:30] Spencer: I see here a reflection back to step three, we must once again learn to trust the God of our understanding, which is the decision we made in Step 3, as actually was referred to in the reading from Drop the Rock also. Having gone through Steps 4 and 5 and listed these things out and said, Oh, wow, here are things that, that I don't like about myself. hopefully we also found things that we like about ourselves, right?

[00:13:57] Ufasaha Y: Right, the assets.

[00:13:59] Spencer: In Al-Anon, we are also encouraged to look at our assets as well as our defects but I don't know about you, it's a lot easier for me to kick myself than to pat myself. it's a lot easier for me to berate myself than to praise myself.and so we get a little reminder here that. Now I see these things because I pointed them out to myself and now I see them. And I want them to go away right now. I need to do that by being ready to let go and let God. Because I can't do it myself. I have tried before to do it myself and I think the next paragraph touches on that.

[00:14:36] We'll get to that in a minute what do you see here?

[00:14:39] Ufasaha Y: The first thing that came to mind, Spencer, was my critical inner voice, which is alive and well.

[00:14:47] I try to take these concepts out of the, solitude of the Al Anon program or any other 12 step program and see how it plays out in the world, in my day to day living with other people. And this brings in a lot of the other people in my life that I interact with, work, home, friends, you name it, someone I'm sitting next to on the train.

[00:15:15] We all suffer the same way. We all have the same fears. and the same desires. We all feel embarrassment. We all feel pride. We all have egos. We're all trying to tame our ways. When it says, as we catch ourselves acting them out, we don't like what we see.when I let go and let God, it also invites me to be vulnerable, and soften.

[00:15:47] And if I can express that with the people that I'm around, I see it reflected back to me, which is a beautiful thing, as opposed to holding on so tightly and trying to control, or overly apologize for our mistakes and mishaps.

[00:16:06] But if I just laugh at myself and say, Oh God, I'm just so sorry I did that. I can't believe I did that. I usually get a reaction of, Oh, I totally understand. That's okay. As opposed to like, you're an idiot. And I've never had anybody say that back to me.

[00:16:22] Spencer: Unless maybe it's like a sibling.

[00:16:25] Ufasaha Y: yeah. When you're six, right. But we're all adults, so I have to worry about that. Except for my teenage daughter. You're so right.

[00:16:35] Spencer: Oh, mom. Okay. I'm going to move on to the next paragraph.

[00:16:43] At this point, many of us try once more to change ourselves. For instance, if we have always been too busy focusing on everyone else's problems while ignoring our own, we might try to force ourselves to mind our own business. We are often dismayed at how quickly our efforts fail. Although enormous energy goes into focusing on ourselves, many of us feel that we continue to be preoccupied with other people's lives.

[00:17:08] So, this whole thing about trying to change ourselves. And I know how many times I said, okay, I'm not going to do things this way anymore. I'm going to do it that way. I'm not going to be late to meetings anymore. I'm going to be early and then,A day later, two days later, I find myself being late to meetings again. Many, many times when I've tried to just force change on myself, I have not been successful. So this sounds a little discouraging. But, if we go back to the previous paragraph, where it talks about let go and let God, trust the God of our understanding to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves, that's the hope that's here in this step . that's what this paragraph is saying to me. It's like, yeah, you have tried, and maybe it's time to try a different way. That involves letting go.

[00:18:08] Ufasaha Y: Yeah, I love the concept that higher power or my God will not lead me somewhere that I'm not ready to go. I don't know if I got that completely right as a quote, but I love the concept. This has helped me be more gentle with myself, to let go of my, OCD, hyper vigilant ways. if I think back to my childhood, for example, my character defects were born out of coping in chaotic environments that were unpredictable and potentially unsafe. So they served me well. This is a very real concept also in ACA and other 12 step programs. and I'm in ACA as well. So while I have tried to force change, It's only through working my program and through step six that I can step back and look at it very differently and say, no, it, it's okay that you did that.

[00:19:18] I have a propensity to clean up before I take care of myself. Like I, I might have to go to the bathroom, for example, and there's a mess on the floor. So I'm at a crossroads where I have to decide, am I going to go to the bathroom first or am I going to clean the mess? Many times I've cleaned the mess first,

[00:19:39] Now I can, through this program and through step six, I can clean the mess first, but not beat myself up for it, because I really needed to go to the bathroom. But guess what? Next time, I actually go to the bathroom first, and then it gets better every time. Every time I'll go to the bathroom first more often.

[00:20:04] So, it's slow, but I've seen the change, and that's what makes me confident that this makes sense.

[00:20:12] Spencer: I think that leads beautifully into the next paragraph. Could you read?

[00:20:15] Ufasaha Y: Ah, yes.

[00:20:17] Sometimes we have to try to make these changes on our own and fail before we can honestly say we're entirely ready for God's help. After a lifetime of self sufficiency, most of us need to be reminded that there are limits to what we can achieve without help. Paradoxically, by accepting our limitations, we can avail ourselves of unlimited possibilities. With God's help, we can overcome seemingly impossible obstacles. Miracles can grace our lives, and serenity can take the place of despair. Our defects of character can be blessings in disguise, because in order to be free of them, we must deepen our faith, and that spiritual depth will bless our lives.

[00:21:00] Wow.

[00:21:01] Spencer: yeah. What do you hear here?

[00:21:04] Ufasaha Y: Miracles jumps out at me. When I first started Al Anon almost four and a half years ago, the idea that a miracle was a real thing and not just this unicorn that we read about in the Bible, waters parting and everything, but little by little I could see them. Something I just didn't expect to turn out the way it did, and beautifully, and better than I expected, I call that a miracle. They happen in small ways every day, every moment of the day, if I just make myself aware of them.

[00:21:46] Spencer: Yeah. When I look at this paragraph, it starts out with we have to try to make them on our own and fail, and it ends with, spiritual depth will bless our lives. this is a paragraph about transformation, which is what we're. aiming for, right?

[00:22:02] We're aiming for transformation and it says that the help of our higher power is available to help us with that transformation, to provide those miracles. The first miracle that I recognize. Well the first miracle might be being able to somewhat let go of the obsession with my loved ones drinking, but. The one that really stands out for me is the way in which, when I came to the Al Anon program, I was a person who was full of anger, full of rage that just exploded on the people around me. Within six months of starting to work this program, and at that point I might have gotten through step three in my step work. I did start pretty quickly when I came in because I was desperate.The rage was gone. that was not something that I had ever been able to do myself. How many times had I apologized for yelling. I won't do it again.

[00:23:08] And of course I did it again, because I didn't have the power to stop. I didn't have the power to make that change. And, that miracle happened. Which really, reinforced that there was some other power working in my life, whatever it was. And I'm like, I don't know what this power is, but I'm sure glad that there is this power that is greater than me that can effect change in me that I can't do by myself. it's just right there. I failed to not rage for years before I came to Al Anon and within six months it was gone. And wow.Serenity took a little bit longer, but that also happened, I was in despair when I got here and in less than a year, I had experiences of Serenity in the middle of the chaos of active alcoholism.

[00:24:01] That was another miracle. So, this paragraph captures my own experience, very well. Thank you

[00:24:08] for

[00:24:08] reading it.

[00:24:09] Ufasaha Y: That's perfect. I love the word transformation,Spencer, and I love that Al Anon teaches us progress, not perfection. I certainly needed those slogans and those ideas.

[00:24:25] I have a bit of the opposite. but just as impactful around not being able to recognize my anger and turning everything inward and turning in on myself.

[00:24:37] It was there for sure. So I definitely learned what anger felt like and that it was safe and okay to have it. Expressing it is another deal altogether, of course.I had more of a softening. especially around my loved ones. I married an addict. And right around the time that I found Al Anon, he was newly sober.

[00:25:06] After using for 30 years in our entire marriage. so started going NA, which I was very happy for him about, but it really turned our marriage upside down. I know it's lovely to wish for our loved ones to be sober, but you know the saying, be careful what you wish for.

[00:25:27] Spencer: Yeah, no kidding.

[00:25:29] Ufasaha Y: I had a lot of softening to do and I also had to look at myself and, accepting our limitations as it says here, can avail ourselves of unlimited possibilities. I used to think of him as the defective one. I was great. He was one with the problem.

[00:25:49] Spencer: yes.

[00:25:49] Ufasaha Y: But there was a nagging question. Why did I marry him?

[00:25:54] What was wrong with me? And that's what I have been slowly untangling, through working my program.

[00:26:06] Spencer: You know what this reading doesn't talk about ? I just realized. The two words in step six that are the hardest for me. Entirely and all.

[00:26:17] Ufasaha Y: Kind of absolute, aren't they?

[00:26:20] Spencer: They are absolute. and what I have to recognize in being able to move past this step, is what you said, progress, not perfection. That I'm going to become ready to have as many as possible of these defects removed.and recognize that I'm going to do this more than once. My wife was recently talking about a change that she wants to make in her life, and that she's making small steps towards, but she says, I'm not even ready to pray for the willingness to be willing to make this particular change.

[00:26:58] Ufasaha Y: That's perfect.

[00:27:00] Spencer: but she is able to say, I know I need to, at some point, I want to make this change, I'm just not ready. And I think sometimes recognizing that we're not ready is giving ourselves some grace.

[00:27:14] Ufasaha Y: Absolutely.Look, my sister asked me the other day in reference to seeing a therapist, when do you know you don't have to see them anymore? And you're done. And I told her, I'm going to give you the long answer to that question for me. But we see how long this process can take to even start showing those small results. I have come to believe that I will do my step six again and again and again. I think this is a lifetime journey. I don't think that there's any arriving. I don't even know it says entirely ready to have all.

[00:28:00] These are some tricky words, right? Ready to have, it doesn't say that God is going to remove all my defects of character.

[00:28:10] So it's not absolute in that way and that is not the promise.

[00:28:15] Spencer: Yeah. I think those two words go back to this idea of not leaving loopholes for alcoholics to slip through, or any of us, really.

[00:28:24] A recognition that it's a package deal. We are all of who we are, and that to want change, to ask for change, to hope for change, we have to recognize that we might end up changing more than just the one or two things that we really want to get rid of,

[00:28:45] Ufasaha Y: and that would be beautiful. That's another miracle. There are awarenesses around every corner and doing this work starts to open up. I have blind spots. I know I have blind spots. I don't know what they are. That's why they're

[00:29:02] blind. There are lots of hidden gems there. and it won't be easy for sure, but how exciting.

[00:29:11] I can chuckle and laugh about that with you at the moment. I might be crying tomorrow morning.

[00:29:18] Spencer: Progress.

[00:29:19] All right, this is a short section. It's the last paragraph.

[00:29:24] Our strength lies in accepting our role in our relationship with God and trusting that a higher power will play a significant role as well. No longer must we struggle alone, attempting the impossible. We need only to let go and let God.

[00:29:42] At this point, you also brought a reading from Courage to Change that I think speaks to letting go and letting God in a slightly different way. Could you read that for me?

[00:29:52] Ufasaha Y: This is from Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in Al Anon 2, which is one of our daily readers on October 9th. It says,

[00:30:02] I used to think of God as my adversary. We were engaged in a battle of wills and I wasn't about to let down my guard. You can imagine how quickly this attitude led me to hit a hard emotional bottom. I came to Al Anon, but I was reluctant to admit that I was powerless. I knew it was true. I had obviously failed to conquer alcoholism, but I wasn't going to submit to my enemy.

[00:30:27] I'm so grateful to Al Anon for helping me learn to surrender. It took a long time, but I finally realized that surrender does not mean submission. It means I'm willing to stop fighting reality, to stop trying to do God's part and to do my own.

[00:30:43] When I gather flowers or marvel at nature's wonders, I do not lose face when I can see that I am not in control. So it is with everything in my life. The best way I've found to invite serenity is to recognize that the world is in good hands.

[00:31:00] Today's reminder, today I can be grateful that the earth will continue to revolve without any help from me. I am free to live my own life, safe in the knowledge that a higher power is taking care of the world, my loved ones, and myself.

[00:31:15] Spencer: Yeah. I find in the middle of this, this key that surrender does not mean submission. I'm willing to stop fighting reality. How long did I fight reality? Oh my goodness. when I came into the program and I started hearing some things, the first slogan that I picked up was let go and let God. That is the first step in many of the steps, and in step six, I'm letting go of my attachment to these things that at some point in my life might've been, survival traits, but are now not working for me. I'm letting go of my attachment to those and letting my higher power do what needs to happen. So that they're no longer negatives in my life, ?

[00:32:07] Ufasaha Y: Yes. I've learned so much through this program and reading texts like these, Surrender Does Not Mean Submission, was huge. It doesn't mean I'm a failure just because I accept reality and it wasn't what I was taught like there's a lot of Undoing the things that I was taught growing up.

[00:32:33] That's big work It's very big work to undo to demystify what's ingrained in us.I was taught everything opposite to step six even in some parts of my family where they go to church regularly and there's a big strong belief in God, but there's a lot of control in there.I also love the part about marveling at nature's wonders.

[00:33:02] You know, birds, they just do. They build the nest. How, how, there is no manual. It's not perfect. The nest might fall apart in a big storm. They just build it again. There's a lot we can learn there, I think.

[00:33:20] Spencer: Yeah, and I don't have to tell the bird how to build

[00:33:22] its nest either.

[00:33:23] Ufasaha Y: No.

[00:33:24] Spencer: I might try, but I'm not going to succeed.

[00:33:28] Ufasaha Y: Very true. because nature and that bird's higher power is strongly at work there.

[00:33:35] Spencer: So let go and let God. I think that is a great place to, to close our conversation. Thank you. Ufasaha, for bringing these two extra readings, and bringing, you know, your experience, strength and hope here has opened some things for me. So thank you.

[00:33:51] Ufasaha Y: My pleasure. Thank you.

Song 1

[00:33:54] Spencer: And in a little bit, we'll move on to talking about our lives and recovery. But first, you brought music. I love it when people bring music, because I get to sometimes experience music. I'm not at all familiar with. So what's the first song that you brought for

[00:34:08] Ufasaha Y: Yes. Jordan Rakai, a fairly young artist that I really enjoy. His song is called Learning. I love the inspiration that Jordan speaks of in this song, in the chorus he sings, If my head gets sore, it feels easy to run away from the rest of the world with my secrets. When my knees get tired, I'm still searching for space right here in between the lines.

[00:34:35] For the learning, space is here for the learning. Give it up. Give it up. So that's what step six means to me. I'm learning to let go and lay down my troubles and agonizing over my coping mechanisms that keep me stuck in suffering.

[00:34:51]

Our Lives in Recovery

[00:34:51] Spencer: In this section of the podcast, we talk about our lives in recovery. How have we experienced recovery recently?

[00:35:06] I had surgery a few days ago. This is something that I've been thinking about for a while and decided to go ahead with. Totally voluntary, but it's a quality of life improvement, in the long run. In the short run, it is not a quality of life improvement, but that's the way things are when you're making change sometimes, you know, it's uncomfortable for a little while and then it gets better. I had a recovery period in the hospital after the surgery and there was another man in the same room, who had the same surgery and my wife said, he sounds like he's got a lot of anxiety about, You know, what's happening, what's coming next, how he's recovering, and so on. And she said, and you don't. And I was like, yeah, this is what's happening. I was not anxious about the outcome. I was not anxious about how my body was acting or reacting, what kind of progress I was making or not making, what was going to happen when I went home. I wasn't being unrealistic about it.

[00:36:09] I didn't have this view that everything's going to be wonderful. And, I just had this acceptance of what was happening was what was happening. This is what had to happen at that moment. I don't know that I would have been able to do that without the grounding, the centering that has come from,accepting a higher power into my life, accepting that sometimes I don't have control over the way things are.and that when stuff happens in my life, they may not go the way I want them to necessarily, but I've always been okay.

[00:36:51] I might not have been completely happy, but I've been okay. and, having had that happen in many different parts of my life. And. Practicing acceptance in this program, just made the whole experience unstressful. I think that's the best way to put it. You know, I was not stressed about it. I wasn't comfortable. very much was not comfortable, but I was not stressed about it. And that makes the discomfort so much easier.

[00:37:20] Ufasaha Y: Yeah.

[00:37:21] Spencer: So that's my recent experience of how what I learned in recovery expressed itself in my life in the last few days. And in the next few weeks when, the things that I can do are limited by not wanting to re injure myself. How's recovery working in your life recently? Ufasaha.

[00:37:41] Ufasaha Y: yeah. Thank you for sharing that, Spencer. that's big. surgeries are big. There's a lot of emotion that goes on there. as well as in our bodies.and I hope you have a smooth whole recovery.

[00:37:54] in my life, I would like to believe that I'm taking life's turns with more grace, that my gripping has lessened.

[00:38:06] I'm a notorious gripper and control freak. And again, that's how I was taught that I needed to be hyper vigilant to achieve, to be a good citizen, to be a good daughter, wife, mother, et cetera.and I've stopped doing a lot of that because that is counterproductive to what I'm learning here in my program.

[00:38:28] I am in the midst of a number of major transformations and transitions in my life. I talked about. My marriage earlier, I'm in the process of getting a divorce after 22 years of marriage. I have a teenage daughter who will be going off to college next year, I have a sister who has been living with me somewhat temporarily because she is going through some transitions herself.

[00:39:00] So all of these things perhaps in the past would have rocked my world, in multiple ways and have sent me off reeling and exhibiting many of my character defects in full color. But I have found some great tools that I practice that keep me centered in a way that takes care of where I need to be taken care of.

[00:39:28] I meditate every morning. I've changed my whole morning routine. So before I start my daily work, I have about two and a half hours to myself. And I meditate and I read and I journal. I do some exercise. I take a bath. And that's how I've started my days now for the last few years. And it has transformed my center, it is carved out time where I can talk to God or I can listen for their answer and proceed with my day, identify my feelings, let go of things that I don't need to carry in my day and in those moments.

[00:40:13] And it's done worlds to reduce my anxiety.and I know everything is going to be okay.

[00:40:21] Spencer: Thank you so much.,

[00:40:23] Looking forward in the podcast, what we have upcoming is, we'll be looking at more steps.

[00:40:28] We got seven, eight, nine, et cetera, still to go. we welcome your thoughts, your experience, strength, and hope, please join our conversation. You can leave a voicemail or send us an email with your feedback or your questions. Ufasaha, how can people do that? How can they send us feedback?

[00:40:46] Ufasaha Y: You can send a voice memo or email to quote feedback at the recovery dot show. Or if you prefer, you can call and leave us a voicemail at 734 707 8795. You can also use the voicemail button on the website to join the conversation from your computer. We'd love to hear from you. Share your experience, strength, and hope, or your questions about today's topic of Step 6 or any of our upcoming topics, including more steps.

[00:41:19] If you have a topic you'd like to talk about, let us know.

[00:41:23] If you would like advance notice for some of our topics so that you can contribute to that topic, you can sign up for our mailing list by sending an email to feedback at the recovery show.

[00:41:37] quote email in the subject line to make it easier to spot.

[00:41:42] Spencer: Our website is therecovery. show, where we have all the information about the podcast, including notes for each episode. I would say mostly notes for each episode. There are links in the notes for the episode to the books that we read from or mentioned, videos for the music that Ufasaha chose, and some links to other Recovery podcasts and websites.

Song 2

[00:42:08] Spencer: at this point, we come up to our next song. What do we have here?

[00:42:13] Ufasaha Y: my second song pick for step six is called Better by Malika Tirolien, I'm not quite sure how to pronounce her name correctly, but I hope I did some justice. so I feel like this song personifies what's on the other side of step six.

[00:42:33] It says, quote, so simple, so easy. It all comes so naturally. Once you rewire the light that shines inside of you, you're born to find your peace of mind. Your life is yours to design once you rewire the divine inside of you.

[00:42:54] Spencer: I like that. Once you rewire the light that shines inside of you, which is also the divine, yes. Ooh, I'm going to have to go listen to these songs,

[00:43:05] Ufasaha Y: Let me know what you think, Spencer. Yeah.

[00:43:07]

Listener Feedback

[00:43:15] Spencer: I'm going to start the feedback section with a share from Mark McP about his experience with step six. He writes, thinking back to my own experience with the steps years ago now, I tried to recall how step six felt to me then. I had to remind myself not to overthink or be too critical of myself and my imperfections.

[00:43:38] So I pulled up the twelve steps and read and thought. through them There was a real sense of momentum, if not quite progress, as I was then able to see it. And a feeling that this middle step might be a turning point. Something momentous. Something about to change. The funny thing is that just reading step 6 today, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character, brought that old flood of fear right back. Why was I then? Why am I still today frightened by the prospect of having my character defects removed? My persistent fear response suggests that I wasn't, quote, entirely ready.

[00:44:16] There's a great old song by The Replacements, Nevermind, where Paul Westerberg sings I'm not ready as I'll ever be and I suppose your guess is more or less as bad as mine. That whole song should be the soundtrack for my steps and my willful need to frame and articulate things of the spirit in words that gratify my ego. Sometimes you have to do things, even when they are not precisely clear in your mind. I suppose a part of me thinks that if you take away my faults, I'll be hollowed out and empty, left with too big a void to fill.

[00:44:49] So, to even haltingly take step six, I have to return to my step four inventory and to those positive marks in my personal ledger. And to step three and trust to my higher power to fill in for my deficits with positive change. Thanks as always for your service and hope you have a peaceful holiday. Mark McP.

[00:45:10] Thank you, Mark. Thank you for that.

[00:45:13] I got a voicemail from MJ who called in from her car and the audio was very broken up. So, I'm going to read the transcription of what she said. And apologize for not being able to put your voice here. Hi, my name is MJ. Hopefully you can hear me okay. I'm calling in from my car, where I listen to this podcast every single day.

[00:45:36] I started from the very beginning, so I feel like I'm still kind of back in time. I've made it up through May 2013. I know, obviously, there's a lot to go. I've really been enjoying the podcast so much so far. I had a question, which was, I've been really interested in finding information in conference approved literature and in this podcast about dealing with people's judgment, society's judgment, about the disease of alcoholism and how to manage the opinion of those around us about our decision in regards to our qualifiers or in regards to ourselves from people who are not in Al Anon.

[00:46:11] I've looked through the podcast archive. I'm sure you have covered this. So if you wouldn't mind pointing me in the direction of any episodes on this topic or any chapters in the literature, I'd be very grateful. Thank you so much. Well, I don't think that's actually a topic that we've covered.

[00:46:29] Which is kind of interesting to me. Why is this not something that, that we've talked about. About how we deal with people in our lives who have preconceived notions and judgment about alcoholism, about alcoholics, and maybe about like, why are you staying with that jerk? Or whatever the question might be.

[00:46:48] You ask about managing the opinion of those around us. One of the fundamental things that I have learned in Al Anon recovery is that I cannot manage the people around me. I certainly cannot manage the opinions of the people around me.

[00:47:08] But what has happened is that I don't care. That may be a little strong. I think I do care, I know how I used to think about alcoholism. Yeah, that has changed a lot. If it really matters to me, if there's somebody I'm in close relationship with in some way, I can express my current understanding. And then I have to let go of it. Because their opinion is their opinion. And it's just like dealing with anybody in my life who has a different opinion than me about politics, about the way life should run, whatever.

[00:47:46] The only thing I can manage is the way I respond to or react to that. And how that makes me feel. The saying, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? I think to some extent applies here. I can try to convince somebody to change their mind,

[00:48:02] probably without success, and it's just going to make me unhappy. Or I can say I disagree with you about that. I'm sorry you feel that way. And move on.

[00:48:15] I think the support that I found in Al Anon Recovery helped me to stop feeling shameful about my loved one's alcoholism.

[00:48:27] And that made the things that people said, it helped to make those less hurtful.

[00:48:32] That's what I've got to say. What do you think you who are listening right now, is this something that you have dealt with, are dealing with, want to know how to deal with? Let's hear from you.

[00:48:43] Thanks.

[00:48:45] Ufasaha, I want to thank you again, for joining me today for our conversation about step six. I really enjoyed our conversation.

[00:48:53] Ufasaha Y: Same here, Spencer. your podcast is been a very important part of my life and my program. And I'm very honored to spend this time with you and go deeper into this topic with you.

[00:49:14] Spencer: Thank you.

Song 3

[00:49:15] Spencer: and what is our third song here?

[00:49:18] Ufasaha Y: The song is called Sunshine by Salt. S A U L T. So I love the play on words in this song. Sun, spelled S O N, which represents sun, S U N. And the artist says, Let the sunshine shine on me. Let the sunshine shine on me. I think that God's crying when it rains. Let the sunshine shine through my pain. Sun will rise.

[00:49:50] Spencer: Thank you for listening and please keep coming back. Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. If we did not talk about a problem you are facing today, feel free to contact us so we can talk about it in a future episode. May understanding, love, and peace grow in you one day at a time.

[00:50:13] ​