Are you the sober parent in an alcoholic family? What challenges have you faced? How has recovery helped you?

• What challenges do you face as the sober parent?
  • Keeping your children safe
  • Making decisions about how to parent. What happens when you disagree?
  • Taking everything on.
  • Anger, rage and anxiety.
  • “Parenting” your spouse?
  • Jealousy/resentment of the “fun parent.”
  • Attributing all “problems” to alcoholism.
  • Decision-making.
  • Not know what “normal” is.  Or what “healthy” is.
  • Trying to parent together when you don’t feel strong in your marriage… or when its actually breaking/broken.
  • Protecting anonymity while being honest on medical and education paperwork for my children
  • Traveling for work and setting expectations for care of our kids knowing I really have no control over whether or not my wishes/expectations are upheld
  • Not having control. Allowing kids to ride in the car or even just be at home alone with the alcoholic parent.
• How did you react to these before recovery?
  • Resentment – LOTS
  • Snide, snarky comments to spouse, spitefulness
  • Anger, particularly misdirected anger
  • Guilt and self-loathing
  • Exhaustion
  • Apathy
  • Depression
  • All or nothing attitude/perspective
  • Relentless pursuit of “agreement” or seeing my viewpoint
  • Lack of trust
• How has recovery changed the way in which you face these challenges?
  • Living one day/one hour/one minute at a time.
  • Setting boundaries
  • Focus on myself… self-care, self-inventory, stay in my hula hoop
  • Crazy thought train doesn’t stay as long
  • Awareness of my anxiety and anger
  • Learning to pause.
  • Not as hard on myself
  • I don’t always feel compelled to make decisions right away
  • I’m learning to let go of outcomes
  • I’m learning the difference between true issues/problems and simply unmet expectations
  • I apply program to my actions on a daily basis (first things first, how important is it, HALT, etc.)
• What is a typical day like now?
  • More loving behavior with my spouse.
  • More patience
  • Make amends to my kids whenever necessary
  • I hear from my Higher Power through my children
  • More loving and accepting of myself and more compassionate toward my spouse, which creates a more peaceful environment
  • Imperfect – some days i feel like i’m right back where i started, but that doesn’t last as long
• How do you face the fears and worries that you have for your children?
  • How do my children see me? My spouse?
  • How can I be the parent my children need? The parent they want?
  • How can I not transmit my resentment and anger at my spouse to my children?
  • But: fear of what’s to come in my children’s lives.
• What tools do I want to give to my children?
  • “Pause”
  • God Box  (kind words, deep breaths)
  • Acceptance of their emotions
  • A parent who is approachable and thoughtfully responds rather than reacts

Upcoming topics include parenting an alcoholic/addict child, and how recovery has changed the way in which you are a parent. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Music from the show

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: Teach Your Children

David Haas: The God of Second Chances