The 4 Ms – Manipulation Managing Mothering Martyrdom – Episode 84

I see youHave you found yourself trying to do it all? Did you take care of your loved one’s problems? Do you try to force things to work out your way? Have you ever felt totally unappreciated?  The 4 M's are Managing, Manipulation, Mothering, and Martyrdom.

Join Erika and Spencer as we talk about our experience with the “4 M's” and how the program has helped us to rely less on these crutches.

  • How do/did I try to manipulate others?
    • “Setting up” a situation
    • passive/agressive behavior
  • How do/did I try to manage and control my live and the lives of those around me?
    • How have I taken on responsibilities that were not mine?
    • Have I ever been called a control freak?
  • How do/did I mother others by “cleaning up” their problems, by doing things for them, etc?
  • How have I played the martyr. What did I hope to gain?
  • What tools does Alanon give us?
  • Inventory – recognizing my behaviors.
  • Loving detachment
  • Self care

Our topic for next week is alcoholism. Other upcoming topics include “is it caretaking or support?” and Triggers or being triggered. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Music from the show

Pink Floyd – Mother


Taylor Swift – Picture to Burn


Depeche Mode – Martyr  

11 comments on “The 4 Ms – Manipulation Managing Mothering Martyrdom – Episode 84

  1. Emma says:

    Talk about higher power! I found this this morning and it was just what I needed to hear!

  2. Louise R. says:

    Must share with my younger sponsees who are still living with active alcoholism!

  3. Macon says:

    i wish it wasnt mothering but parenting…hint of misogyny here that is a bummer, even if it is convenient to have all Ms

  4. Mo says:

    Just listened to this in preparation for chairing a meeting on “Managing” and it was so helpful! To me personally and I also got a lot of good things for us to talk about at our meeting. Thank you so much! I especially appreciate your honesty and bringing it back to the steps.

    1. Ace says:

      Call it MASTERING instead of mothering.

      1. Lisa jop says:

        Yes! I learned there were five M’s!

  5. Joyce says:

    Maybe if I would learn to take care of myself as well as I take care of others I would not have so many health issues myself.

    1. Lisa jop says:

      Oh my gosh! This is so me! I’m very sick right now and I have to concentrate on my own health my own body something I didn’t learn in my childhood.

  6. Jo Ann says:

    It’s always a “shocker” when something resounds with you with gong force, isn’t it? I have never been in an Al-Anon program but have worked with a gifted counselor in recovery from codependency and hypervigilance with panic attacks. The ahhhhah! moment is like a rebirth because when you finally see YOUR truth, you can’t unsee it (thank goodness)!! It is that slippery slope of the 4 Ms that will be my krytonite…when fear of people/events that are out-of-control with threats of great harm/loss presses me toward those behaviors, I can now stop (or at least apply brakes) long enough to recall that I am not Boss or Savior of the World…that job is already taken! I no longer have great shame about not “knowing” healthy behaviors earlier, but feel profound relief and gratitude that my own disorder (codependency) has been diagnosed so that I can better recognize when I’m defaulting to the Faulty 4 Ms. Thank you for sharing these episodes…I will always be a recovering codependent, but I’m in good company among you folks! Blessings for your days.

  7. Kim says:

    I’m an adult child of 2 alcoholics and started recovery in high school when my mom got sober. Just heard the 4 m’s for 1st time! In my mtg this am and a member shared this podcast- can’t wait to listen!

  8. Laura V says:

    A message that I desperately needed! Thank you!

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