Don't be afraid to give yourself everything you've ever wanted.
It is very easy for me to set aside my own wants and needs in the face of what I consider to be the “greater good.” If others' chores aren't completed, I do them – even if I have other things I need to do. Then I get resentful and hold the other person responsible for my not finishing my own work. This my own low self-esteem at work in three ways: 1) I believe that I must complete the work of others in order to maintain harmony in the home, 2) I don't believe my work is as important as the work of others, and 3) I am easily overwhelmed by my own work for fear that I won't be good enough at it or that I will fail. That is, I focus on the failings of others and try to fix that rather than be self-aware of my own to-do list.
In the recovery program, I am no longer as afraid of failure. I often hear, in the rooms, and truly appreciate the phrase “progress, not perfection.” I am no less a valuable because I did not succeed at a task by my definition of success. I try, I reach out, I grow, and become a better person whether I succeeded at the task or not. My Higher Power knows what I need. All I need to do is suit up and show up for life. The rest will work itself out. I need never be afraid to try to do things that are important to me, again.
A meditation for June 4, 2013
Take A Chance On Me – Ah-ha
2 comments on “what i want – a meditation”
Clearly, my HP was at work, as evidenced by today’s meditation. I have just started al-anon & my partner has been in AA for about 6 mos. I am learning to detach & have boundaries. This morning as I was leaving for the train to work, I Td my partner that I hadn’t quite gotten all his gear together for his practice to tonight as is my “responsibility.” As I told her this, she cross-examined me when Iisted what I had & had not done so she could get the rest. ‘So, you didn’t get it all?’ With an insinuating tone. I said ‘no’ & looked at my watch & said I will not miss my train ‘& left. I feel I did the right thing for myself. I didn’t engage in an argument or list all that I had done in defense of myself. Tho, As I write this, I still have unease that I disappointed her and didn’t take care of all my chores.
I am grateful for your program & timely, wise words as I remind myself of the steps in the program & that I did my best.
Thanks for your comment, Maryl! We really appreciate feedback and comments on our posts!
And I can totally relate! Oftentimes, when I set a boundary with someone, the first few times are the most difficult – especially when it’s a self-care boundary. I often feel guilty that I am not being a good partner/daughter/friend/sister/etc when I am not taking care of other people in every possible way that I can (even to my own detriment). When I have expressed this, in the past to my Sponsor, she has often said the phrases “fake it till you make it” and also “Don’t trust your head, or your heart – trust your gut.” These two phrases have saved my serenity during situations when I set new boundaries. I trust my gut (which, for me, is my connection to what my Higher Power wants for me). And if my head or my heart tells me that I don’t deserve to set a boundary, that’s OK! I accept that I have feelings of low self-esteem at that moment. And I am gentle, compassionate, and loving towards myself through that acceptance. However, I continue to behave as if I do believe I am worthy of setting those boundaries and continued to set the boundaries even though I was scared or felt guilty. As time passed, I eventually really came to know in my heart AND head what I knew in my gut all along – that I do deserve self-care and boundaries and my self-esteem grew as a result! Thanks to the program and the kind, encouraging words of my Sponsor, I was able to act my way into better thinking!
Hope you have great day!