“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi

Recently, I had been having some trouble connecting with my Higher Power. I used to feel a deep sense of love and warmth in my core that felt like the presence of my Higher Power in my life. One day, I woke up and did not feel that, nor for a few weeks after. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't feel my Higher Power. I started feeling angry and resentful and scared. What if my Higher Power didn't love me anymore? What if I am broken in a way that I can't recover and my lack of connection with my Higher Power was proof of that?

Interestingly, several events happened during this time that I was able to point to and say “that happened because of my Higher Power.” I was aware that it was an indication of the presence of my HP, but that wasn't enough for me. I remember thinking “yeah, OK, but it doesn't count until it feels like a warm glow of love and acceptance inside me.” I reached out to friends in the program, and one of them told me “Your Higher Power is always around and always available no matter what. Sometimes my thoughts get cloudy and it's harder to communicate but it's always there…try to breathe, let go, and trust the process. Also pray. Even if it feels like nobody is listening.” Hearing this felt…awful. I wanted an immediate resolution. But I followed the suggestion and suddenly I was opened up to allowing myself to feel love in the many forms it presents itself. I felt the love of my HP through others, through the events unfolding in my life, through patience and strength I was able to have in difficult circumstances. When I stopped trying to control the love I received, I was able to be more open to it.

Recently, with my family in town, I again found myself in this dilemma. I still felt my HP's presence, but I wished my family expressed their love of me in a different way. In those moments of frustration, my HP gently drew my attention back to my earlier difficulties that I described earlier. I realized that my family is doing the best they can and loving me in what ways that they are able. If I decide that it is only in certain way that I choose to accept their affection, then it is my choice to block out the love that is being given. Today, my Higher Power is helping me to be more patient and accepting with my family and in turn, I am able to give and receive love more fully.

A meditation for April 24, 2013.

I Want You To Want Me – Cheap Trick