I have often found myself in situations where I thought that love was getting someone to change for what I thought was better. In those situations, I was often, if not always, frustrated and disappointed. The other person would rebuff my attempts or, worse, lie to me by saying they agree and then doing what they wanted anyway. In these situations, I lost my serenity. Even then, when I was miserable, angry, and hurt, I still refused to let go of the illusion of control. Looking back, I remember thinking that by losing my serenity through placing their health or their life above my own, I was exhibiting love. I realize now that it was making someone else my Higher Power. I believed love was trying to control even though all I was greeted with was resistance and lies and pain. I realize now that I was trying to be someone else's Higher Power. After coming into recovery, my definition of love changed drastically – both for myself and others.
Now, love means respect for myself and the other person, even if opinions differ. Love, for me, also means my self-care and my boundaries come first for me. Most of all, for me, love means acceptance of myself, of others, and of reality. I have faith that my Higher Power has led me to exactly where I need to be. In the same way, I believe that others' Higher Powers have done the same for them. Love no longer means making other people my Higher Power or trying to be another person's Higher Power. Love no longer means being hurt by empty words or outright rejection. Love means staying in my hula hoop, focusing on myself and my boundaries, showing up to support others, being grateful for the people that I have allowed to stay in my life, and being grateful for my Higher Power. When I do all of these things, I am exhibiting love.
A meditation for February 19, 2013.
Such Sweet Nothing – Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch