Made a Decision – Episode 67

20130814-130029.jpgI’ve titled today’s episode Made a Decision. I am going to relate my the story of my journey to and through Step 3, “Made a decision to turn our will and our live over to  the care of God as we understood God.” I started from unbelief, was told to “act as if”, found willingness, and eventually surrendered. But still, I must give my will over on a daily basis, because I continue to try to take it back.

  • My Story
    • What is this “God” thing of which you speak?
    • How can I turn my will and my life over to something I don’t believe in?
    • “Act as if”
    • Letting go of my loved one’s recovery (or lack thereof)
    • The meeting and the program as my HP
    • A later understanding of surrender — just going to meetings
    • Unmanageability as motivation
    • Evidence of God working in my life
    • Growing willingness
    • Surrender
    • God suggests — sometimes I listen
    • Daily practice
  • What holds me back?
    • My intellect
    • Fear (of losing control)
    • Desire for my outcome
  • What pushed me forward
    • Clear unmanageability of life
    • Seeing it work — when I listened
    • My will has often led me into trouble
  • Change requires changing — letting go of old ways — I can’t do it alone

Our topic for next week is Forgiveness. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

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let god – a guest meditation by Karla

VLUU L100, M100  / Samsung L100, M100

 

TIMELY WIND

The eagle soars away into the sky
And yet he never plumbs the depths of space.
The four seasons give place to one another,
Yet never seem to have an end or a beginning.
When the one dry tree on the hill is blown down
By the timely wind, what can one do?

“Song of the Golden Elephant” in Mudra: Early Poems and Songs by Chögyam Trungpa, page 31

By Shambala Publications

Consciously working on my third step again “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”, especially this morning as I put the results of my daily efforts in my Higher Power's hands. “May your will be done”, I repeated, as I got up and carried on with my day. Especially because I am beginning to write the first article I will ever write as a professional, and I feel scared. The above excerpt from a poem eased my pain, visualizing how everything changes in an infinite continuum, a continuous loss and gain through the changing seasons of my life and the universe.

I lost the key to my gym locker this morning and I have to pay a fee I do not want to pay to replace it. I felt a sense of loss about not being able to trust myself sometimes when I am distracted. I stopped a moment, held my head with both my hands, and felt the subtle pain of loss through my body. I repeated to myself a quote from Courage to Change “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in it's hands.” ~Richard Bach. Then I got up, did what I had to do, and carried on with my day.

Life does not go as I expect it when I let go and let god, but it goes as is best for me.  I don't understand what gifts are wrapped withing my problems and challenges, but I trust those gifts are richer than I expect. I am willing to enjoy soaring into the sky, adapting to the ever changing seasons of life. Every time that life asks me to face my fears and myself, I want to feel my feelings and let go, one day at a time.

A meditation for March 29, 2014.

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blessing – a meditation

 

Every experience, no matter how bad it is, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it.

Buddha

Recently, I thought I have been struggling with acceptance because of a loved one's addiction and denial. My program has taught me that it is not up to me to classify someone as an addict, or alcoholic, or codependent since I know that I can only honestly speak about my own experience. But I have found myself deeply affected by fear and pain because I do not feel accepted or loved by this person. I found myself trying to explain my loved one's behavior to myself by assigning labels to this person's actions or creating stories around why they can not give me what I want. I would tell myself, “this person is not spiritually fit enough to be open and loving”. At other times, I would think “why doesn't this person love me enough to do this for me? Am I not good enough?”. Sometimes I would just call my loved one an addict and detach with resentment and anger.

In the end, I realized I was right – I was struggling with acceptance. Only, I was struggling with accepting my loved one rather than judging. I was also struggling with accepting myself and trusting in my Higher Power. I know this because my entire focus was on the acceptance I did not feel I was receiving from my loved one. I worried about this person and their behaviors rather than keeping the focus on me and my behavior and my needs.  It is none of my business what my loved one does or why unless it violates my boundaries; and having my boundaries violated is not the same as having my fears triggered. And that is all that is happening – my fears are being triggered. I am afraid that if I do not feel acceptance from this loved one,  I will suffer and be abandoned.

I remember thinking, even up to this morning, “Why did I invite this person into my life? Why couldn't I have left well enough alone?” But this is why. It is because my Higher Power wants me to love myself and know that my Higher Power loves me unconditionally – even when other people do not. What a blessing it is that I have the opportunity to learn how to love myself and accept the love of my Higher Power no matter what!

So, today, I took a pen, and wrote a message to myself that reminds me that I am loved by my Higher Power. And I know I will feel the fear that I am not good enough for the people in my life to love me. But then I will look at my wrist and realize the more important thing – that I am, have always been, and will always be good enough for my Higher Power to love and accept every part of me.

A meditation for September 26, 2013

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thankful – a meditation

 

Take time to be thankful for everything that you have. You can always have more, but you could also have less.

 

In a moment of anger, grief, hurt, or fear, I look only at my situation and see only the bad. But when I can hit the pause button and take a step back from the situation, I am able to come up with a gratitude list. In doing so, I can readdress the situation from a place of love, compassion, and humility rather than from a place of fear and entitlement.

A meditation for September 17, 2023.

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consequences – a meditation

 

You are free to choose, but you are not free from the consequence of your choice.

Being in the grips of indecision is not a foreign concept to me. I have often found myself in this situation. It was often not the fear of the choices, but rather a fear of the consequences. This fear, for me, was so great that I turned to others to tell me what to do – to make a choice for me. I simply did not trust myself to make the right choice. I thought by asking someone else, I would be safer because it would not be me that makes the choice.

I was wrong. I am always making choices. I can choose to follow someone else's advice. I can choose to not make a choice. And no one, no matter how hard I try, can make those choices for me. And by making these choices, I am able to grow and learn from my consequences. As a result, I was able to learn to trust myself. rather than judge myself as good or bad. Instead, I learned I was human, just like everyone else.

A meditation for September 13, 2013.

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