timing – a meditation

 

Everything you need will come to you at the perfect time.

 

Sometimes, I wonder how my life would be different if I had come to my program of recovery months, years, or even decades, sooner. But when I take a moment to really think about it, I realize that nothing would be different. I would not have been open to the program. I would not have been open to hearing any of it. I would have walked away. The program came into my life at the perfect time for me. I needed to live my life exactly the way I lived so that the second I walked into the rooms I had become someone who could receive help.

If I think about things in this way, I realize that everything in my life came to me exactly at the perfect time. My Higher Power knew when the perfect time was, though, not me. I was always impatient and always in a rush to get to the next thing. Now I can let go and trust that when something should come to me, whether that be the removal of a character defect, a relationship, a promotion – anything, my Higher Power will bring it to me exactly when I need it. And the same for others and their Higher Powers. I can sit and feel frustrated that someone hasn’t address his/her character defects, but in the end, I do not know when is the perfect time for them to have that defect removed. Only their Higher Power does. Because of this knowledge, I am grateful that I can let go and focus on my serenity.

A meditation for June 22, 2013.

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humanity – a meditation

 

What would happen to our recovery if it depended completely on one or two well-intentioned but fallible human beings?

How Al-Anon Works, p. 123 (tradition 12).

My recovery would fail, that is my answer to that question. I think that is why I used to be so “unserene” before my recovery program. I used to make people my Higher Power and in doing so, I idealized them. I would expect perfection. I did them such a disservice, but doing this. I did myself a disservice, too. I refused to accept them as human. I put them up on a pedestal and, in doing so, placed the responsibility of my serenity and happiness upon their shoulders. So, when they fell short of my expectations as was inevitable, I felt betrayed and hurt and that my needs weren’t met.

The flip side of this is that  I wanted to be this to others. I wanted to their Higher Power. I wanted to fix their lives, I wanted to meet all of their needs, I wanted the responsibility of their serenity and happiness to fall on me. When this was the case, I felt validated and valuable. But, when I felt short of my expectations of perfection, I felt guilty that I had failed others and fearful that this meant I had no value.

In all ways, forcing the responsibility of my recovery and my serenity on others or taking that same responsibility from others and placing it upon my own shoulders only serves to separate me from that serenity that I so desperately sought. Even when I did feel serene in these circumstances, it was often short-lived. Now, in recovery, I know that I was looking externally for a fulfillment of an internal emptiness. In the end, all that could fill that space in me was a Higher Power of my understanding.  Thanks to working the Steps with my Sponsor and continuing to practice these principles in all my affairs, when I lose my serenity today, I am able to regain it again when I shift my focus back to my Higher Power and my serenity. Now I am able to do this and as such, I can love and accept the humanity in myself and others and not seek validation from those relationships any longer.

A meditation for June 21, 2013.

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protection – a meditation

 

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

Psalms 91:11, King James Bible

I was sitting in a restaurant with a friend when I heard this quote. I was feeling a little insecure and lost in life at the time. While we were in the restaurant, my friend noticed “Pslams 91:11” written nearby and we asked what it referred to. That is when I first heard this quote. In that moment, I felt my Higher Power was reaching out to me to remind me that I am safe and protected. I felt so loved and connected with my Higher Power in that moment that I immediately wrote the quote down.

I begin to seek out addictions (whether that be work, or control, or substances, or what have you) in an effort to fill the hole inside of me that is filled with fear. This quote reminds me that my Higher Power will never lead me where my Higher Power will not protect me. But it also reminds me that when I am scared, I need not reach out to unhealthy avenues to feel fulfilled. If I just allow myself to be open to it, my Higher Power is always taking care of my needs and sending me love and comfort when I most need it.

A meditation for June 19, 2013 Continue reading “protection – a meditation”

forcing solutions – a meditation

 

Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don’t help.

Hobbes: Well, you’ve done all you can do.

Calvin & Hobbes

I love this quote because, for one, it’s Calvin & Hobbes. And, two, it’s so true for my life now that I am in recovery. In the past, when I was scared, I used to just keep doing things because I was craving control. I would strike bargains with God, I would manipulate, I would lie, I would obsessively clean something, I would be emotionally abusive. All of those things were never directly relevant to the underlying problem. But they were often a damn fine way for me to avoid addressing or even looking at the real issues that I had and still feel like I was in control.

Today, in my life in recovery, I try to do everything I should and no more than that. If I turn in an assignment, I try not to obsessively email the professor to see what my grade is. If I ask my partner to take on a task, I try not to nag him over and over again about how I think he should do the task and when. If I establish a boundary with a loved one, I try not to force their feelings on the issues.

These days, when I wake up in the morning, I accept I am going to try to do the best I can and that I will fall short of perfection and that others will also. I try to pray for guidance, patience, and forgiveness for myself and others. These are my “lucky underpants.” And if things don’t turn out the way I wanted them to, that’s great news, because I’ve found that when things don’t turn out the way I want them to, in the long run, they always turn out better than I could have dreamed.

A meditation for June 18, 2013.

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Shake it out

 

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Florence and the Machine — Shake it Out

When I continue to carry the past with me, when I keep on dragging that horse, and when the devil is still on my back, I cannot dance. I cannot find serenity.

My recovery includes shedding the burdens of the past, letting go of old resentments, forgiving the hurts done to me by others and amending the hurts I did. Only then can I shake the devil off my back.

A meditation for December 6, 2012.

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