As we enter into a season where many of us are celebrating an end of the year holiday — Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, New Year — what expectations do we have? What anxieties does this season provoke? Do you look forward to spending time with family, or dread it? Or are you spending this time alone? How can expectations be deadly, this time of the year?
By expecting it to be just like it was.
By having unrealistic expectations.
This year, everyone will be happy and glad to spend time together.
Dreading family dysfunction.
How can we set realistic expectations or let go of expectations?
How can we protect our serenity?
What can we do differently?
I was inspired, in part, to this topic by the following article in the June, 2017 issue of the Forum, which reminded me of an experience I had when I was just a couple of years into recovery.
I Asked God To Guide My Words
One of the countless new skills I began to learn when I came to Al-Anon was managing my expectations. My need to improve in this area was especially evident whenever I was anticipating a visit with my alcoholic son, who lives in another part of the country. Beforehand, I would build up the visit in my mind’s eye, picturing our family laughing together, doing fun things, talking easily and affectionately about our lives.
But it was never like that. Conversation was constantly strained. It was hard to find any safe topics. Our son didn’t seem to want to talk about his work, social life, whether he was working his program or much of anything else. He wasn’t particularly interested in doing any of the things I thought would be fun. My rosy expectations bore absolutely no resemblance to what really took place.
As a result, these visits left me feeling hurt, disappointed, frustrated, sad, regretful, hopeless and even a little angry. I definitely had to get my head into a better place.
With my Sponsor’s guidance, I began to study Al-Anon literature on the topic of expectations. I soon discovered that there is a close relationship between my expectations and my level of acceptance—or lack thereof—regarding the circumstances of my life. My expectations were unrealistic because I had not truly accepted the realities of my son’s life and their impact on mine. I was simply turning a blind eye to how things really were—not denial, but not full acceptance either.
In preparation for the most recent visit, I armed myself with lots of study, prayer, reflection, writing in my journal and a commitment to constantly seek my Higher Power’s guidance. I literally asked God to guide every word I said and everything I did. While I hoped the visit would be, at the very least, pleasant and congenial, I no longer harbored glowing images that had no roots in reality.
The visit went better than any of the previous ones, and afterward I felt somewhat at peace. There had been times of real connection and other periods when each of us just went our own way, giving each other plenty of space. I relaxed and didn’t try to force things into a mold that would never fit our life. I hope future visits will be even better, but I’m grateful to have learned a new way of dealing with my expectations that I can apply to all areas of my life.
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
I'm planning some episodes about parenting, but I need your help. Share your experience as the sober parent. What have you learned about being a parent to your alcoholic or addict child? How has recovery changed how you are a parent? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email email@example.com with experience, strength and hope. Our contact page has more information about the many ways to join our conversation. Continue reading “Holiday Expectations – Episode 229”
What does it mean to relapse in Al-Anon? Have you had an Al-Anon slip? What did you do to recover?
What is a “slip”? Is it just another word for “relapse”?
What do you think an “Al-Anon slip” is?
How do you know if you’re having (or if you had) one?
In AA, it’s “obvious”, but in Al-Anon, it’s more subtle.
What kinds of slips can you identify?
Making another person your HP
Relate a story about a slip you had
A big one?
A little one?
How did it feel the same as before recovery?
How did it feel different?
What program tools did you use to recover from your slip?
How do you / can you detect that a slip is imminent and what can you do to prevent it?
What tools/slogans help?
Upcoming topics include obsessive thinking. How does your obsession with others behavior (such as drinking) make your life unmanageable? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email firstname.lastname@example.org with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.
What thoughts about detachment does the reading bring up for you?
When you first heard the word “detachment” in a meeting, what did you think it meant?
Did “detachment with love” make any sense to you at all?
What is the difference between detachment and distancing or separation?
Why do I get angry? Fear. Because I care.
Maybe I have to become “indifferent” when moving from anger to love.
What forms of detachment have you found/learned?
Emotional — my emotions are not ruled by someone else’s.
Detaching the person from their disease (How Al-Anon Works, Detachment section in Chapter 11):
If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn’t take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment.
Detaching from outcomes
How has detachment helped you?
Treating others with more kindness and compassion.
Give a power greater than myself a space to come in.
Not getting “pulled down”
Being able to love the person while hating their actions