She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Leonard Cohen – Hallelujah
It's so fitting that I'm working on step one right now.
About a week and a half ago, a stool fell upon my foot. It hurt quite a bit, but after a few days, it seemed fine, so I kept about my normally busy schedule almost ignoring my foot. Well now, I'm actually learning two lessons here. Had I gone to the doctor then, practicing some self-care, I might not be in this mess right now.
This current “mess” is of being powerless. Twenty-four hours ago, my foot was in excruciating pain. This morning, I adopted a pair of crutches from the basement because I couldn't walk without hurting. So, already, I'm feeling like I have little power over my life. A fucking stool fell on my foot, and now I gotta deal with a house of kids and no way to really control them or anything else. I can't even walk through a door without difficulty or help. But, I can handle this, right? I can lay down the control a little bit and let someone else take over. What I'm having a hard time accepting is that people will help me how they want to help me, not how I want to be helped. For example, I wanted to take a bath before I went to urgent care and then I wanted the bathroom tidied when I was finished. Instead, I was drawn a bath, helped into the bathtub, and given chocolates and coffee – whether I wanted any of this or not. A kind gesture, no doubt, but not what I wanted. I felt extremely powerless and cried in the bath. I'd just realized how much I was not in control, even of my own bath, and certainly not over the actions of others. I felt like I had to take back some of that control by getting out of the bath by myself, though that could've ended badly.
I've already admitted that I am not all that great at self-care, but that doesn't mean I'm great with being taken care of, either. I prefer to do things myself. I feel strong when I can overcome an obstacle and take care of something myself. But, sometimes, I do need help. Today, I learned that when I do ask for help (or even without asking), people will help me in ways that they see fit to help me, not necessarily how (or if) I want to be helped. And, I guess all I can really do is kindly take the help that is given me, and either seek out help for what else I may need help with, do it myself, or leave it undone (like the dishes tonight).
A meditation for October 26, 2013.