Fear is the path of the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
I used to be afraid of angry people. I used to be afraid of manipulative people. I used to be afraid of liars, too. How funny that I felt I could not feel any compassion for them when I found out, in recovery, that I have engaged in all of those behaviors, myself!
As soon as I found out about this, I feared that I was a bad person, so I got angry and then tried to manipulate people and lie so that they wouldn't find out about this. My Higher Power works in strange ways because it was at this moment that I realized that angry people, manipulative people, liars, etc., are just people that are reacting to their fear. For the first time, I was able to feel compassion rather than fear for others. I was able realize that that my fear of people that display this characteristics often leads to my choosing to display those same characteristics. And by doing that, I continue a cycle of suffering and lack of acceptance.
Today, I will try to accept fear that is mine and fear that belongs others. I will try to accept and have compassion for people (including me) that react to their fears in unhealthy ways – through manipulation, addiction, anger, etc. But I will try to remember that because of my self-awareness, a gift of my recovery program, I can choose differently for me.
A meditation for June 20, 2013.
Continue reading “anger – a meditation”
For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
Psalms 91:11, King James Bible
I was sitting in a restaurant with a friend when I heard this quote. I was feeling a little insecure and lost in life at the time. While we were in the restaurant, my friend noticed “Pslams 91:11” written nearby and we asked what it referred to. That is when I first heard this quote. In that moment, I felt my Higher Power was reaching out to me to remind me that I am safe and protected. I felt so loved and connected with my Higher Power in that moment that I immediately wrote the quote down.
I begin to seek out addictions (whether that be work, or control, or substances, or what have you) in an effort to fill the hole inside of me that is filled with fear. This quote reminds me that my Higher Power will never lead me where my Higher Power will not protect me. But it also reminds me that when I am scared, I need not reach out to unhealthy avenues to feel fulfilled. If I just allow myself to be open to it, my Higher Power is always taking care of my needs and sending me love and comfort when I most need it.
A meditation for June 19, 2013 Continue reading “protection – a meditation”
Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.
I have a fear of showing my weaknesses. I have a fear of letting others know when I have been less than perfect. I fear that my flaws will set me apart as “less than” and verify that I am not good enough. But when I walked into the meeting rooms of my recovery program, I realized that the only thing that sets me apart as different is when I identify myself as different. It is my own judgment of myself and others the spurs my decision and fear that if anyone really knew me and really knew I was human, I wouldn't be enough. Now that I have worked the Steps (especially Steps 4, 5 and 6) I realize my weaknesses, fears, and vulnerabilities and accept them for what they are. I realized I can accept myself as who I am, for my feelings, fears – everything. And then I can make the conscious choice as to how I act. When I am able to do this, my they are no longer areas which, if pointed to by others, can hurt me. Now, those same characteristics that I used to hide, I use as tools to reach out to others. With my own experience in these ways, I am able to reach out to another person in pain and, by sharing my experience, strength, and hope, help another realize that they are not alone, either.
A meditation for June 13, 2013
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It is not selfish to live the life you want to live, it is selfish to tell others to live the life you want them to live.
– Oscar Wilde
I am often afraid to live my own life. I am afraid of the consequences. I am afraid I will be shown to be wrong. But it is so easy for me to see what others should do in their own lives. I used to think “what bad luck! If only my friend's problem was mine, I'd know EXACTLY what to do!” I find it quite funny, now, because I see that no matter what “problem” I had, I would have felt overwhelmed by it. The reason for this is because I was so emotionally involved in my own life and the consequences of my actions that it was difficult for me to make the right choices.
Now, that I am in a program of recovery, I have learned other tools with which to address my life rather than my old go-to's of denial, avoidance, or control. I am able to see now that when I was trying to control others and tell them how to live their lives, I was measuring their choices by the standards and priorities that I want to apply to my own life. Those standards and priorities only have a place in my own decisions since others have their own standards. That is why I try to stay in my hula hoop and try not to give advice but rather give suggestions when asked. Only I am able to make the right choice for myself just as each person is only able to make the right choices for him- or herself.
A meditation for June 11, 2013.
Continue reading “selfishness – a meditation”
I did it selfishly because I didn't want to live in pain, anymore. It's funny, when you do something from a place of truth…it works out where it is the right thing for a lot of other people as well.
It is interesting what I feel is selfish and what I feel is altruistic. A cursory glance over my choices lets me believe that I am an altruistic person. But upon sitting with my Sponsor and going over my 4th Step, I realized I was a self-crucifying martyr. I didn't make the choices to be “altruistic”; I made those choices that could be seen as altruistic because I was afraid of the consequences. I was afraid of my own powerlessness.
Today, when I think of making a choice that is altruistic, I pause and ask myself if it's coming from a place of love or a place of fear. If it's coming from a place of truth and love for myself and others, I can tell because I can let go of the results. When it's coming from a place of fear, it's obvious to me, because I pin my happiness on a particular outcome.
The beauty of life, that I am able to see now because I am working a program of recovery, is that when something is done purely out of love, there is no right or wrong outcome. Thought the outcome might not be what I hoped for, or even if it is the one I feared, the outcome is always good. Because when I do something out of love, I am being good to myself. And in being good to myself, I am being good to all those around me.
A meditation for June 9, 2013.
Continue reading “truth – a meditation”