Tapestry – a meditation

Tapestry

 

 

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the ever changing view
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold

 

Carole King — Tapestry

When I look back at my life so far, it has truly been a tapestry. The path I have taken, the experiences I have had, the troubles I have gotten through, and the growth I have experienced are not anything like I envisioned my life when I was young. The reality of my experience is infinitely richer than my imagined future. I have lived in forest and desert, in hot and cold, in city and country, and in cultures familiar and exotic. I have had happiness and despair, love and anger, accomplishment and frustration. I have known the ecstasy of love, the agony of desertion, the despair of illness, and the joy of reconciliation. I have started new phases of my life with anticipation and wonder, had them ended with rejection and disillusion. All of these are threads in my tapestry. All throughout, binding those threads together, are the people who are in, and have been in, my life. People who celebrated with me in triumph and joy, people who held me in sadness and grief, people who taught me how to live life, people whose example showed me how I could survive my troubles, and most of all, people who loved me for who I was.

Are there things in my life I would rather not have experienced? Yes! But they are part of my tapestry, and it would be the poorer for their lack. Today, I will celebrate the tapestry that is my life. I look forward to what “wondrous woven magic” the future will bring to it.

A meditation for October 4, 2013.

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amends – a meditation

 

The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.

John Green, Looking for Alaska

I have had a lot of anger towards loved ones in the past. I remember that I used to write down the resentments against them when I took my inventory. I was so upset from the harms that I perceived had been committed against me – even if they were decades old. I had heard in the meeting rooms that forgiveness is key to finding peace. And I kept telling myself to forgive these people. I would even chant it to myself or act as if I had forgiven them. Nothing helped. My resentments remained and I felt frustrated.

Eventually, I got to the 8th Step in my Stepwork with my Sponsor. To do the 8th Step, I had to make a list of all persons I had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. I listed everyone on my resentment list and listed my anger and judgment against them to be reasons for my amends. Thankfully, I had a wonderful Sponsor that asked me where my amends to myself was on the list. I realized I had no amends to myself – not really. I had hastily scribbled my name on the last page in the margin. My Sponsor reminded me that I was not really honoring  and respecting myself by ignoring my self-amends. I took her suggestion and sat and wrote a proper amends to myself. In the amends, I apologized for not standing up for myself in the past. I apologized for lying about my feelings  to myself and others. I apologized for ignoring my own needs. I apologized for giving up my power to other people. And then I cried because I had just been given an amends by the one person with whom I actually angry, myself.

As I cried, the pain left me and the suffering left me and my wounds started to close. Since then, every day that I am honest about my feelings, every time I honor my needs, and every time I stand up for myself, the wounds close a little more and open up more space for gratitude and love and even more forgiveness. And as I heal and forgive myself, forgiveness for others comes so easily. I think this is because my reality exists within me and I project that reality onto the world around me. Now that my reality is that I am responsible for loving myself, so I am able to seeking external validation and resenting people when I do not receive it.

Today, my Higher Power blessed me with happiness and peace as well as pain and fear. All four blessings are always present for me; some offer comfort and some offer opportunity. When I can see all of these as equal, one not better than another, I can stop feeling like a victim and be accepting, grateful, and forgiving.

A meditation for September 29, 2013

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