Saying No — No is a complete sentence – 298

Is it hard for you to say “no”? Do you avoid responding instead of saying “no”? Or, maybe you say “yes” when you want to say “no”.

  • “No” is a boundary.
    • Typically in response to a request or requirement to do something we do not want to agree to do and is not ours to do.
  • What’s the problem here?
    • I feel I have to justify my “no” answer.
    • I’m afraid you won’t like me if say “no”
    • I’m afraid you will respond with anger or disappointment if I say “no”
    • I feel like I’m being mean if I say “no”
    • I feel like I “should” say “yes” but I don’t want to.
    • I say “I don’t know” or “maybe” instead of “no.”
    • I say “yes” but I mean “no.”
  • Do I also have a problem saying “yes”?
  • Do I have a problem committing, in general?
  • Why should I learn to say “no”, period?
    • I don’t have an infinite store of time and energy.
    • Some things are more important than others.
    • I need to set and respect my own boundaries.
    • I’m not comfortable / don’t agree with what you are asking me for / to do.
  • What is the difference between “no” and negativity?
  • Strength of “no”
    • It is an affirmation of self.
    • When I say “no”, it makes my “yes” stronger and more meaningful.
  • When to say no?
    • When it keeps me true to my principles and values.
    • When it protects me from being exploited.
    • When it keeps me focused on my own goals.
    • When it protects me from abuse.
    • When I need the strength to change course.
    • Try saying “yes” and “no” (in your head) and see how each one feels to you.
    • Think about the consequences of saying “yes” (or “no”).
  • How can I say no nicely?
    • “I’ll think about it” — but only if I really will think about it and get back with a “yes” or “no” — not just to put off saying “no”.
    • Use softer language: “I’d prefer not to”
    • At least say it calmly.
    • “That’s really not my responsibility.”
  • How can I say “no” to myself? And when is it important to say no to myself?

Readings and Links

We read from Courage to Change, July 25 and April 13.

Eric mentioned the book Discovering Choices.

Web links we used as resources include these from Psychology Today: The Power of No, When, Why, and How to say No. From Huffington Post, The Art of Saying No. From Mindful.org, No Is A Complete Sentence.

We got some quotes from AZquotes.com.

Related topics from The Recovery Show include these episodes

Upcoming: our 300th episode

Our 300th episode is just around the corner! I’d love you to share how The Recovery Show has supported your recovery. Did we encourage you to go to your first meeting? Did a particular topic or guest inspire you or give you a new insight? We want to know!  Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. To be included in episode 300, please do so before August 10, 2019. Continue reading “Saying No — No is a complete sentence – 298”

Sayings, Quotes, Proverbs, and Parables – 292

Do you have a few sayings or quotes that support your recovery? How do you use them?

Spencer and Eric explore a long list of sayings, quotes, proverbs, and parables. We talked about all of these, some at length, and some quite briefly. Some of these have dates in the form month/day, which refer to readings in the book Courage to Change.

  • Take what you like and leave the rest.
  • Let it begin with me.
  • You are not alone.
  • Don’t pick up the rope.
  • I don't have to attend every dog fight I'm invited to.
  • not my monkeys not my circus
  • There are only two types of business; my business, and none of my business.
  • We’re only as sick as our secrets.
  • Move a muscle, change a thought. (Act my way into right thinking.)
  • Don’t just do something, sit there. When in doubt don’t.
  • First thought, wrong thought.
  • I am a human being, not a human doing.
  • Participation is the key to harmony.
  • Worry is like a rocking chair; going back and forth and going nowhere.
  • The only way I can push people, is away from me.
  • Say what you mean but don’t say it meanly.
  • The enemy of serenity is indecision and hurry.
  • Came, Came to, and Came to Believe!
  • Show up, wake up, smarten up.
  • I can’t, he can, I think I’ll let him.
  • “If you understand, things are just as they are.  If you don’t understand, things are just as they are.” Zen proverb.
  • It works if you work it!
  • If nothing changes, nothing changes.
  • Let go or be dragged.
  • Stop living in the wreckage of the future.
  • Life on life’s terms.
  • Keep my head where my feet are.
  • Fear and faith can’t live in the same house.
  • When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
  • What other people think of me is none of my business.
  • Do the next right thing.
  • If I don’t have 5 minutes to meditate, take 10.
  • My best thinking got me here.
  • If my only prayer today is thank you, that will suffice.
  • The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas.
  • I may not get everything I want today but I have everything I need.
  • Forgiveness is letting go of hoping for a better yesterday.
  • Look back but don’t stare.
  • Parable of the two wolves — Which one wins? The one you feed.
  • When going through hell, keep going.
  • When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot.
  • When 1 door closes, another door opens, but living in the hallway is hell.
  • Before sunlight shines through a window, the blinds must be raised.  American – 3/5
  • Patience is the key to paradise.  Turkish – 5/14
  • When we talk of tomorrow, God laughs.  Chinese – 5/17
  • The highest for of wisdom is kindness.  The Talmud – 4/13
  • “Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abe Lincoln
  • “Courage faces fear and thereby masters it.”  MLK Jr – 8/6
  • “Even if I knew tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.”  Martin Luther – 11/5
  • “The oak grows stronger in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.”  Peter Marshal – 3/23
  • “There is no try.  There is do or not do.”  Yoda
  • “Fear leads to hate, hate to anger, anger to suffering.”  Yoda
  • “Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.” Albert Schweitzer – 12/9

Readings and Links

Links to longer explanations about or readings of the parables we discussed:

Pandoras box
Cheshire Cat
The two wolves

The original list that we worked from is available as a PDF document.

Upcoming

We are planning an episode of spiritual experiences / spiritual awakenings. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com to share yours. Or just leave a comment right here.
Continue reading “Sayings, Quotes, Proverbs, and Parables – 292”

Acronyms and Alliterations – Episode 284

Do you QTIP? Have you practiced the 3 A's? Spencer and Eric, with support from many listeners, talk about some of the acronyms (such as HALT or FEAR) and alliterations (3 C's, 4 M's) that help us to remember the important principles of the program. As Eric says, “these are like pocket change — they're easy to pick up and use.”

Acronyms

    • FEAR – Face everything and recover
    • PAUSE – Please assist until serenity enters
    • FEAR – False evidence appearing real
    • LOVE – Let others voluntarily evolve
    • JADE – (don’t) Justify, argue, defend, or explain
    • WAIT – Why am I talking (thinking)
      • Neutral responses (scroll to the bottom of episode 249)
    • HALT(S)
    • NUTS – Not Using The Steps (Slogans)
    • TRUST – try really using step three!
    • THINK is it..?: Thoughtful. Honest. Intelligent. Necessary. Kind.
    • HOPE: Happy. Our. Program. Exists.
    • DETACH: Don’t. Even. Think. About. Changing. Him/Her.
    • HOW: Honest. Open. Willing.
    • STEPS: Solutions. To. Every. Problem.
    • QTIP: Quit. Taking. It. Personally.
    • FINE
    • PISO: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional
    • Eric would write this on his hand.
    • GOD: Good Orderly Direction
    • UTT: Use the tools
    • ODAT: One Day at a time
    • ANGER = A Negative Grudge Endangers Recovery
    • ASK = Ask Seek Knock
    • CHANGE = Choosing Honesty Allows New Growth Everyday
    • COOL = Creative Opportunities Offer Love
    • EGO = Easing God Out
    • FAITH = Finding Answers In The Heart
    • FEAR = Forgetting Everything Is Alright
    • FEAR = Future Events Aren’t Real
    • FROG = Fully Relying On God
    • GIFTS = Getting It From The Steps
    • HOPE = Helping Ourselves Purge Emptiness
    • HOW = Honest, Open, Willing
    • MYOB = Mind Your Own Business
    • PUSH = Pray Until Something Happens

Alliterations

  • 3 A’s – Awareness, Acceptance, Action
  • 3 P’s – Perfection, Procrastination, Paralysis
  • 4 M’s – Manipulation, Managing, Mothering, and Martyrdom
  • 3 C’s – Didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, can’t control it. (But I can contribute to the problem.)
  • 6 P’s: perspective, pain, prayer, patience, process and payoff.
  • 3 C's –  Have I Criticised, Have I Condemned, Have I Complained?
  • 3 G's – Get off his back, Get out of his way and Get on with your life
  • 4 P's     Why we don't forgive?..: Protection, Power, Pride, Punishment
  • 3 S's –   Selfish, Self-seeking, Self-centred

Readings and Links

We read from Courage to Change, March 26

Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Continue reading “Acronyms and Alliterations – Episode 284”

Would you rather be right or happy? – Episode 276

sing joyously

  • What is your first thought when you hear this question?
  • Do you believe that “right” is “truth” and that there is only one possible “right answer” (way to do something, opinion about a topic, etc.)?
  • Do you have “black and white” thinking?
    • Why?
  • What would it take to see the world in shades of gray (or colors)?  Red is no more “right” than blue, for example.
  • What does the word “happy” mean in this context?
  • When has holding onto a position hurt more than letting go would have hurt?
  • Is Right and Happy possible?  Sometimes. But in dealing with difficult people, sometimes, it’s just not worth the fight, conflict, escalation…
  • A lotta references to “conflict” and controversy are relevant in readings, and traditions, as well as arguments.
  • Can you “Live and Let Live” even if you are “right”?
  • Have you come to learn that most times, “urgent things are seldom Important, and Important things are seldom urgent”? (calling 911 for a paper cut…)
  • Slogans
    • How Important is it?
    • This Too Shall Pass
    • Is It Worth My Serenity?
  • Perspective episode also comes to mind, and First Things First… And Force vs Power
  • Sayings;
    • QTIP
    • Don’t
      • Take the bait
      • Pick up the rope
      • Be a willing participant in a toxic dance
    • “I don’t need to win anything today…”

Readings and Links

We opened with a reading from Courage to Change, October 29. We also mentioned the June 3 reading.

We read from How Al-Anon Works on dealing with conflict (p. 98 in the soft cover edition), and Eric read about acceptance from …In All Our Affairs, p. 96.

We were inspired by a Psychology Today article Right vs. Happy. And Eric ended with a quote from Chief Joseph.

Coming next

Our topic for next week is new topic. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email
feedback@therecoveryshow.com
with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. Continue reading “Would you rather be right or happy? – Episode 276”

Do you Believe? – Episode 270

Do you believe all things happen for a reason?
Do you believe that God can do for us things that we can’t do for ourselves?
Do you believe in coincidence, or that there is no such thing as coincidence?

What “higher power moments” have you experienced? (Step 2 moments)
What happens when you view them as miracles rather than coincidences?
When have you said “I have no idea how that happened?” (and were grateful for it!)

Today, we're talking about miracles, coincidences, and belief. We share some of our own and some of yours. We might follow this outline:

  • Definitions of “miracle”
    • a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.
    • a highly improbable or extraordinary event, development, or accomplishment that brings very welcome consequences.
  • Definitions of “coincidence”
    • a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection
    • Scrabble points: 18
  • What miracles have you experienced in your life?
  • In your recovery (if different).
  • When you view a positive, unexplained event as a miracle instead of a coincidence, how does that change your experience?
  • How does it change you?
  • “When I seek, I find; when I look, I notice.”

Readings and links

Music and video clips

Miracle on 34th Street: clip “Susie Believes”

The Polar Express


The Loving Spoonful: Do You Believe in Magic