protection – a meditation

 

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

Psalms 91:11, King James Bible

I was sitting in a restaurant with a friend when I heard this quote. I was feeling a little insecure and lost in life at the time. While we were in the restaurant, my friend noticed “Pslams 91:11” written nearby and we asked what it referred to. That is when I first heard this quote. In that moment, I felt my Higher Power was reaching out to me to remind me that I am safe and protected. I felt so loved and connected with my Higher Power in that moment that I immediately wrote the quote down.

I begin to seek out addictions (whether that be work, or control, or substances, or what have you) in an effort to fill the hole inside of me that is filled with fear. This quote reminds me that my Higher Power will never lead me where my Higher Power will not protect me. But it also reminds me that when I am scared, I need not reach out to unhealthy avenues to feel fulfilled. If I just allow myself to be open to it, my Higher Power is always taking care of my needs and sending me love and comfort when I most need it.

A meditation for June 19, 2013 Continue reading “protection – a meditation”

forcing solutions – a meditation

 

Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

Hobbes: Well, you've done all you can do.

Calvin & Hobbes

I love this quote because, for one, it's Calvin & Hobbes. And, two, it's so true for my life now that I am in recovery. In the past, when I was scared, I used to just keep doing things because I was craving control. I would strike bargains with God, I would manipulate, I would lie, I would obsessively clean something, I would be emotionally abusive. All of those things were never directly relevant to the underlying problem. But they were often a damn fine way for me to avoid addressing or even looking at the real issues that I had and still feel like I was in control.

Today, in my life in recovery, I try to do everything I should and no more than that. If I turn in an assignment, I try not to obsessively email the professor to see what my grade is. If I ask my partner to take on a task, I try not to nag him over and over again about how I think he should do the task and when. If I establish a boundary with a loved one, I try not to force their feelings on the issues.

These days, when I wake up in the morning, I accept I am going to try to do the best I can and that I will fall short of perfection and that others will also. I try to pray for guidance, patience, and forgiveness for myself and others. These are my “lucky underpants.” And if things don't turn out the way I wanted them to, that's great news, because I've found that when things don't turn out the way I want them to, in the long run, they always turn out better than I could have dreamed.

A meditation for June 18, 2013.

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selfishness – a meditation

 

It is not selfish to live the life you want to live, it is selfish to tell others to live the life you want them to live.

– Oscar Wilde

 

I am often afraid to live my own life. I am afraid of the consequences. I am afraid I will be shown to be wrong. But it is so easy for me to see what others should do in their own lives. I used to think “what bad luck! If only my friend's problem was mine, I'd know EXACTLY what to do!” I find it quite funny, now, because I see that no matter what “problem” I had, I would have felt overwhelmed by it. The reason for this is because I was so emotionally involved in my own life and the consequences of my actions that it was difficult for me to make the right choices.

Now, that I am in a program of recovery, I have learned other tools with which to address my life rather than my old go-to's of denial, avoidance, or control. I am able to see now that when I was trying to control others and tell them how to live their lives, I was measuring their choices by the standards and priorities that I want to apply to my own life. Those standards and priorities only have a place in my own decisions since others have their own standards. That is why I try to stay in my hula hoop and try not to give advice but rather give suggestions when asked. Only I am able to make the right choice for myself just as each person is only able to make the right choices for him- or herself.

A meditation for June 11, 2013.

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humanity – a meditation

 

Everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.

It is so easy for me to forget that the people around me are real. I can easily behave in a manner that is so self-centered that I can only focus on my pain and my suffering. Without effort, sometimes, it is hard for me to look at another person and realize that they too have a past, they too are in pain, and that they too are afraid.

I think I developed this behavior because I grew up in a home where control and codependency reigned supreme. I fixated less and less on my part and focused more and more on “getting mine”. That is, I felt that my needs weren't being met so I lashed out. But it is difficult to be cruel to someone that I see as a person. So I dehumanize them. I turn them into monsters that are attacking me. Then I can justify my own cruel behavior towards them rather than approach the situation with kindness, respect, and compassion both for myself as well as the other person.

Now, in recovery, I know that each person I speak to is a person with their own past, their own scars, and their own fears. Each person I speak is like me – human. They are not monsters, so I can no longer justify being a monster to them.

This sounds like something I do for the other person, but, honestly, seeing others with compassion and respect has done wonders for my own ability to see myself with compassion and respect. I am now able to behave in a way that I can be proud of regardless of what the other person is doing. I can set my boundaries and let go of the outcome.

Today, when I feel myself losing my serenity when interacting with another person, I will take pause and remember that this person, like me, is human. I will remember that and look for my own part in it before I react to their behavior.

A meditation for June 10, 2013.

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