Setting Boundaries without Controlling – Episode 44

Do you struggle with setting boundaries? Does it feel like you are trying to control someone else when you set a boundary? Does your loved one accuse you of trying to control them? Do you have trouble following through with appropriate consequences when your boundaries are violated? Then today’s show is for you. We’re going to talk about setting boundaries without controlling.

Kelli, Spencer, and special guest Jonah shared our experience guided by these questions:

  • What is your understanding of the concept of “boundary”? Why do we want/ need to set boundaries in the first place?
  • Before you came into the program, how did you try to “protect yourself” from others’ actions?
  • How do you determine if your words/ actions are controlling?
    • What is my motivation? Am I trying to protect my own emotional, spiritual, mental or physical serenity or safety? Or am I trying to tell the other person's what to do (or not do)?
    • How am I saying it? Am I setting limits on what I will accept, or am I trying to “cause” a particular outcome? Are my statements “I centered” or “you centered”?
    • How am I specifying the boundary? Is it something that the other person can “see”, or would they have to “read my mind”?
    • Have I set consequences that I can enforce? that I will be willing to enforce?
  • Do you have an experience of your attempt to set boundaries when that was received as controlling?
  • Why is it important to you to set boundaries?

Our topic for next week is Chaos. Why do we (codependents ) create chaos? Why do addicts create chaos? How do we find islands of serenity within chaos? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

We plan to start recording episode 45 at 9:30AM EDT (1330 GMT) on Saturday, October 12. Join us by clicking on “Listen Live” at the top of the page.

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The 3 A’s – Awareness, Acceptance, Action – Episode 43

Do you think you have to fix something as soon as you become aware of it? Do you find yourself springing into action even before you know what the problem is? Is it difficult to know if you've fully accepted something as a cue to take action?  Join Spencer, Swetha, and Kelli as we talk about “the 3 A's”, which are awareness, acceptance, and action.

We try to address these questions in our discussion.

  • Briefly, what is your initial definition of the 3 A’s–how do they work for you?
  • Do you think it’s important to work the 3 A’s in the order they were written? Why?
  • Do the 3 A’s help to prevent you from taking “unnecessary” action?
  • Are there any other al-anon tools that, for you, get grouped into the 3 A’s (patience, pause button, meditation, staying in the moment, etc?)
  • Do the 3 A’s have anything to do with faith?
  • Is it possible to know exactly when you have reached acceptance and can move into action?

Mark, in the chat room, contributed a 4th “A”: anxiety. We are all in for the 4 A's: “Anxiety, Awareness, Acceptance, Action”.

Our topic for next week is setting boundaries without controlling. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

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Living Rich, Full Lives in Recovery – Episode 42

Does a life in recovery sound limiting? Are you unsure what activities, events, etc from your previous life will fit into your new life of recovery? Does living a rich full life sound selfish when your loved ones are still suffering from addiction? What tools have your learned that allow you to fully live your own life today? Kelli, Spencer, and Swetha try to answer these questions and others as we talk about living rich, full lives in recovery.

  • What does “living rich, full lives” mean to you?
  • Does it mean something different to you today than it did in the past?
  • What are some tools you use today to ensure that you are living life in a satisfying way?
  • How do you know when you are living a rich, full life?
  • What do you see as the spiritual aspects of a rich, full life?
  • How can changed attitudes contribute to living a rich, full life?
  • How does your life today differ from your life before recovery? Some aspects of life to consider include:
    • Activities
    • Relationships with partners, friends, family, co-workers, etc.
    • Spiritual practices
    • Emotional life
    • Intellectual life
  • Do you see your life today as rich and full? As richer and fuller than it has been in times past? What do you still want to add (or take away) to improve your life?

Our topic for next week is the 3 A's – Awareness, Acceptance and Action.  Do you think you have to fix something as soon as you become aware of it? Do you find yourself springing into action even before you know what the problem is? Is it difficult to know if you've fully accepted something as a cue to take action?  Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here. We plan to record this episode on Monday, September 30 starting at 6PM EDT (2200 GMT). You can listen live and participate. Just click Listen Live at the top of the page.

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Vulnerability – Episode 41

Do you fear that being vulnerable with your loved ones will be perceived as a sign of weakness? Do you tend to avoid discussing your own feelings? Do you try to cover up your flaws? Do you often take other people's inventory?
Brené Brown says “vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage”. What do you think about this? Do you gain trust when someone else is vulnerable? Stick with us as we talk about vulnerability.

What is vulnerability?
How do you feel about being vulnerable? What is your fear around it?
How is this different from how you felt about vulnerability before the program?
Do you think being vulnerable is good? Why?
Does others’ vulnerability increase your trust in them?
Do you find that others trust you more when you exhibit vulnerability?
How do you exhibit vulnerability in your day to day life?
How has recovery helped you to be more vulnerable?
Google Voice mail from Christina (9/10)
When you are vulnerable today, do you just never get hurt?
How do you handle pain and disappointment while remaining vulnerable?
How do you know when you’re avoiding vulnerability?
Should you always be vulnerable or only around certain people or in certain situations? Why or why not?

Our topic for next week is living full, rich lives in recovery. Does a life in recovery sound limiting? Are you unsure what activities, events, etc from your previous life will fit into your new life of recovery? Does living a rich full life sound selfish when your loved ones are still suffering from addiction? What tools have your learned that allow you to live your own life today? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.
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Step 9, Amends – Episode 40

appleJoin us as we discuss the power and potential of Step 9, which states “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Spencer, Kelli, and Swetha share their experience, strength, and hope with Step 9, guided and inspired by questions such as these:

Have you worked Step 9 yet? If so, give a brief explanation of your experience.
What are the different types of amends you are aware of (living, direct, etc).
Which have you practiced?
Can you describe an example of each?
If you have made direct amends, how did you do it? Where? When? What did you say? What did you not say?
How do you know which type of amends to give to each person on your Step 8 list? [Spencer: “… direct amends … wherever possible” seems pretty clear]
What is a self-amends?
Did you make an amends to yourself? If so, how?
Why is making an amends to yourself important?
Did you make an amends to your Higher Power? Why?
How do you know when you’re ready to give amends to someone?
What happens if you have someone on your list that you just don’t feel ready to make an amend to? Can you move on to Step 10 or do you have to “complete” Step 9 first?
How has making amends changed your life?
What is the difference between an amend and an apology?

Our topic for next week is vulnerability. Consider these questions, and tell us what you think. Do you fear that being vulnerable with your loved ones will be perceived as a sign of weakness? Do you tend to avoid discussing your own feelings? Do you try to cover up your flaws? Do you often take other people's inventory? Brené Brown says “vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage”. What do you think about this? Do you gain trust when someone else is vulnerable?

Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.
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