Healing the Trauma of Alcoholism – Episode 237

What trauma has alcoholism brought into your life? How are you healing from it?

I didn’t realize it, but by the time I came to Al-Anon, I had been traumatized by the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon is helping me to heal from this trauma. I recognized recently that it’s not over, even almost 16 years later.

Recently, I heard of 3 simple steps that can help us to heal from traumatic stress. (Simple, not easy!) I have to admit that I don’t completely understand how to apply them, but what I know is that my progress in Al-Anon has followed these 3 steps. They are:

  • Act
    • I came to Al-Anon. I wasn’t sure why I came, except that I didn’t know what else to do.
    • I kept on coming, just because each time I felt a little better.
    • I listened and identified with what members said in meetings.
    • I read Al-Anon literature (this was huge for me in reducing anxiety and enabling me to sleep.)
  • Act with others.
    • I can’t do it all by myself. That is the essence of Steps 2 and 3:
      Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
      Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
    • I asked another member to be my sponsor. This was my first step to acting with others. I didn’t use my sponsor very effectively, but I did call when I didn’t know how to act or deal in a situation.
    • I met with other members and formed a step study group (AWOL = A Way Of Life). We met weekly for about 2 years, working through the 12 steps together.
    • Working through Step 4, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”, with others helped me to see that I am not uniquely broken, and that other people have suffered similar trauma.
    • Step 5, “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”, has been essential in healing my guilt and shame over my past actions. Until I open up to another person, I am not relieved of my pain. In this way, Acting with another is essential to my recovery.
  • Act from your wise mind.
    • The concept of “wise mind” comes from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). It has been described as the combination of intellectual thought and emotional thought. OK. What’s that mean for me?
    • One way I see this action in my program is in Steps 6 and 7. In working Step 6, I try to reach a fullness of understanding and acceptance of my “shortcomings”. Some shortcomings are easy to accept intellectually — I can see the negative effects of my procrastination — but hard to accept emotionally — I am somehow driven to procrastinate but I don’t really know why. Practicing mindfulness can help here. By letting my thoughts just pass by, I start to find acceptance of what is true rather than what I want to be true.
    • Other shortcomings are obvious emotionally but not so much intellectually. My fear of financial insecurity is/was one of these. I knew I was afraid, but I didn’t know what I could do about it. I couldn’t get out of it by reasoning. In fact, my reasoning mind told me that I should just do the things I was afraid of: check the bank balance, pay the bills on time, make a budget. I had to bring the emotion and the reason together to accept that I needed to ask for help.
    • When I have reached intellectual and emotional acceptance of a shortcoming, then I am entirely ready to have it removed, and I can move on to Step 7 where I ask for just that.
    • Many of the components of the Al-Anon program help me to act from my wise mind, by reaching understanding and acceptance of what is true.
      • The disease concept of alcoholism was foreign to me and I rejected it at first. I had to learn about how addiction affects the brain, and I had to listen to lots of other people’s experiences to really accept it. (From both alcoholics and Al-Anon members.)
      • I came to see that I truly could not “fix” my loved one. By “accepting the things I could not change”, I could seek “the wisdom to know the difference” and the “courage to change the things I can.” When I kept on trying to do the impossible, I did not see what I could change to make my life better.
      • Tools and slogans that help me to “act” rather than “react”.

I recently heard a story of a person who was working to make change in their life. It was hard, and most days they weren’t sure they could do it. On the way home each day, they would walk through a park. In the park was a bench, and sometimes they were so overwhelmed that they would just sit on the bench and cry. After a time, they found the energy and the will to get up and continue the journey home. Until the next day…

I’ve been on that bench at times in my life. When I said to myself “I can’t and yet I must”. And I just cried from the seeming impossibility of my task.

Al-Anon helped me to get up from the bench, to start to act for myself. Other members shared their experience, strength, and hope with me. And also shared their pain, so I could know that I was not alone. They showed me how they had found the strength to get up from the bench, and I saw that I could do the same thing. If only for an hour or a day. And that was enough for then.

So if you’re sitting on the bench, crying, not knowing how to heal your trauma, come to us. Act. We will welcome you into our fellowship. Act with us, and start to find your wise mind. You are not alone. Al-Anon is a community where we don’t have to pretend everything is ok. You can find healing, but you must act. You can take one small step and reach out for help.

 

Upcoming topics include freedom and parenting. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Links

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (Wikipedia)

A couple of links about “wise mind”: link 1, link 2.

Music from the show

Julien Baker: Appointments

Gloria Gaynor: I Will Survive

Diana Ross: Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

 

 

Fear of Financial Insecurity – Episode 236

find meDo you dread mail from your bank?
Are you anxious about paying the bills?
Can you see a “way out” of your financial situation?

  • What is my experience?
  • Ignoring the problem
    • We’re just fine.
    • Just use the credit card.
  • Cash advances
  • Balance transfer
  • Borrow from parents.
  • Take money from retirement (is this amends?)
  • Can I win the lottery??? (no)
  • Refinance the house.
  • Worry, anxiety, can’t sleep.
  • The problem is drinking — too expensive.
  • Bankruptcy?  No! Not an option!
  • Bank balance anxiety…
    • Don’t check it.
    • But be afraid of the envelope (later, the text message)
    • Step 6/7 — ask for help, and receive it.
  • How to recover? How to not be anxious all the time?
  • Sobriety helped, but not the only answer.
  • Make a plan to pay off credit card balances.
  • Tradition 7
  • General Warranties of the Conference In all proceedings the World Service Conference of Al-Anon shall observe the spirit of the Traditions:
    1. that only sufficient operating funds, including an ample reserve, be its prudent financial principle;
  • Where am I today?
    • Credit cards at zero.
    • Loans taken to pay off credit cards almost zero.
    • Home line of credit is the next target.
    • Student loans — refinance for lower interest. 5 years to go.
    • We were able to recarpet our home from savings, not credit!
    • But it took time.

Upcoming topics include parenting. In particular, if you are the parent of an alcoholic or addict, we’d love to hear your fears, experience, strength, and hope. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com. Or just leave a comment right here.

Readings

Courage to Change, Dec 11

How Al-Anon Works, Chapter 31 “Letting Go of a Loved One’s Alcohol, Drug, and Money Problems”

Continue reading “Fear of Financial Insecurity – Episode 236”

Slogans part 2 – Episode 235

How do you use slogans? Do you “let it begin with me”? When do you ask yourself “Is it worth my serenity?” How do you “Live and let live”?

  • 3 slogans for today.
    • Let it begin with me.
    • Is it worth my serenity?
    • First things first.
  • For each slogan: How do I understand the slogan?
  • What did I think when I first heard each slogan?
  • Has my understanding changed?
  • How have I applied the slogan in the past? Now?
  • The “Al-Anon declaration” includes the words “Let it begin with me” twice. Why?
    • LET IT BEGIN WITH ME—When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, let the hand of Al‑Anon and Alateen always be there and LET IT BEGIN WITH ME
  • Do I use “Let it begin with me” to remind me that my recovery comes first?
    • Sort of like the “oxygen mask” metaphor?
    • “Isms” and “if you spot it, you got it”
  • What happens when I ask “Is it worth my serenity?” How does it change the way I react to situations?
  • Do I use “first things first”
    • To reduce frustration, fear, or uncertainty?
    • To help me move forward one step towards a goal I don’t know how to reach?
    • To help me choose from several “next steps”?

Our topic for next week is new topic. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Readings

We opened with a reading from Chapter 9 of How Al-Anon Works, Slogans.

Later, we read from Courage to Change, April 18 and December 2.

Continue reading “Slogans part 2 – Episode 235”

Carol S open talk – Episode 234

Eric and I had planned a discussion about slogans, to follow up on our first one in episode 131. But life intervened, so we had to ask “how important is it?” and to put “first things first.” Thus, I’m sharing an open talk by Carol S of Omaha, Nebraska.

Upcoming topics include some slogans. What is your favorite slogan? Or, maybe more importantly, what is the slogan that you use almost every day? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Making a Decision – Episode 233

Step 3 asks us to “make a decision” to turn our will to the care of a higher power. Why is this so hard for many of us?

I looked back over 15 years at the 3 times I have worked step 3, and found the answers I wrote in 2002, 2011, and 2017 for these questions about making a decision.

  • Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  • How do I feel about turning my life over to a Higher Power for guidance?
  • How do I know who or what my Higher Power is?
  • Am I willing to turn my problems over? What could help me be willing?
  • How can I stop thinking, trying, and considering, and actually make a decision?
  • Have I had a problem making decisions in my life? Give examples.
    If I am unable to make a decision, what holds me back?

How would you answer these questions? Share your responses so we can read them in a future episode.

Upcoming are two more parent episodes. For one episode, please share your experience, strength, and hope about being the parent of an alcoholic or addict.  For the other, how has recovery changed the way you are a parent? Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.
Continue reading “Making a Decision – Episode 233”