How are my recovery tools helping me to live with grief and loss? How am I feeling my feelings today?
My father died a few days ago. I am grieving his loss. Because of my work in recovery, I can feel my feelings. I don't have to deny them, and stuff them. What a gift!
Dear Spencer
Thank you for letting us know of your fathers death.
Over the last three years I have been listening to this podcast, I have heard your care and love of your parents as you shared and generously allowed your own recovery join with all of ours. I have learnt so much through each episode as I have felt gently challenged to keep the focus on myself and my own recovery.
When my daughter died, I was so glad that I had found the rooms of Alanon only the year before. Thankfully I too was able to allow those upwellings of grief, as you describe it, with people who had loved her too. Unfortunately my life partner, a sober alcoholic, who had never met her, found my grief too difficult as he was unable to allow the griefs of his own life or look for support with them.
He was not able to accompany me when the waves of raw grief and loss swept over me. Her death brought up so much family pain that could not be allowed among my siblings also, All of us had grown up in an alcoholic home.
Thankfully, I kept coming back to Alanon and found in the rooms the love, understanding and peace that I needed so much.
Alanon kept me floating at a time when I just wanted to let go of life, one meeting at a time. Learning to use the tools of the programme brought me into a loving and accepting environment I could hold on to a day and sometimes a minute, at a time.
Sadly, the accumulated grief between me and my partner and some serious dry drunk episodes and abusive behavior, led to emotional, mental and physical breakdown for me but after many years, of waiting for him to seek help, I found the courage to leave the marriage and to apply for a divorce.
Today, I can allow the griefs of my life and accept them as part of my life.
In accepting the waves of raw grief to wash over me I was able to feel the a growing new solidity that stayed as I allowed the transformation and wisdom a day at a time. As I look back now, I can recognize that time of learning and richness during which I learnt to embrace my feelings in order to continue forward into wholeness and recovery.
Today I accept the sorrows of my life as well as the blessings and joys.
I accept that I have a broken heart but that it is also a heart that is open to my life today.
I like the quote in one of the daily readers which says “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrows”.
After years of fear, anxiety and grief, years of trying to change what I was powerless over or enduring the unacceptable behavior of others , I try to live, present to whatever each day will bring and I am often surprised and amazed by the gifts that come my way. I am embarking on the adventure of third age now, needing to find a home again and face into the time that will be given to me with realistic expectations and filled with wonder, still holding my dreams. I am greatful for Friends and family and Alanon who loved me through it all and never abandoned me.
May you be upheld Spencer, in your faith and continuing recovery , through these sad days and know that even at times of great grief there are moments of great love and joy. May your nurturing of the seeds sown by your father, console and comfort you as you move forward in your own life with family and friends.
Thank you for the seeds you also sow with your work on the recovery show..