Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world,
The heart has it’s beaches, it’s homeland and thoughts of its own.
Wake now, discover that you are the song that the morning brings,
But the heart has it’s seasons, it’s evenings and songs of its own.
Sometimes we live no particular way but our own,
And sometimes we visit your country and live in your home,
Sometimes we ride on your horses, sometimes we walk alone,
Sometimes the songs that we hear are just songs of our own.
Grateful Dead — Eyes of the World
Nothing inspires me to wake up and enjoy this glorious day and to take my rightful place in the world like this rejuvenating song. Step 11 conscious contact with HP to the max.
Denial is something I am having a hard time letting go of.
In meditating this week about why this defense mechanism continues to creep back into my life, when I have long outgrown it, some very interesting things were revealed to me.
By admitting my powerlessness in step one, and asking god for help to accept the things i could not change by repeating the serenity prayer, i opened my heart to a new way of living. As a newcomer this was a dramatic and cleansing awakening. It was fall then too, and I saw that the leaves falling slowly down to earth were just like my worries, each drifting gently away as I let them go, one by one. Over time, I found the courage to see my character defects for what they were, and became willing to let them drift away too.
Today I can see clearly where I want to be, and understand very well the inescapable correctness in striving to live life on life’s terms, always aware of reality as it actually is, living in this moment and this moment only. Continually seeking to improve my conscious contact with the god of my understanding, to me right now, means striving to stay in that space where I see what IS, and accept true reality without judgement or argument. Practicing gratitude is an excellent tool to bring me back into the present as well.
I know I am returning to old bad habits when I am struggling inside, exhausting myself in an internal mental wrestling match. I am usually trying to change something that is not in my control, avoiding acceptance at all costs, or resisting seeing something i am denying. After a while, when i am good and tired, I stop. Because of the good habits I have learned over time from the good people in these rooms, from readings, and from time spent being truly honest with myself, I can see my struggle for what it is, and let it go. But see, often i don’t just go there in my head. When i am in a bad place mentally, i can say or do something I regret, and hurt someone I love very much.
That is why maintaining conscious contact with the god of my understanding is so important for my recovery. I need to over and over remember to see things as they ARE, and accept them, not fight them.
I came to these realizations because I was suffering, upset with myself for a hurt I caused while in denial. Denial for me is sneaky. It creeps in without my knowing it, and I learn painful lessons again and again. My denial comes in twin forms. I convince myself that things that are not present are really, definitely there, or I pretend something right in front of my face is not there at all.
Sometimes denial can save your life, because the reality of what is actually true is too painful to bear at that moment. And other times denial is just a bad habit easy to fall back into, a crutch I don’t need anymore, which hurts me more than the pain of seeing life for what it really is. I want to banish my destructive habit of denial, and replace it with loving acceptances once and for all, and striving for mindful, conscious contact with my higher power feels like a real solution, so that’s what I’m working on.
A meditation for November 7, 2013.