leaving – a guest meditation by Hillery

 

“You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.”

 

Dr. Seuss, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!”

I have been considering whether or not I should leave my husband. We’ve been together for 12 years, with a three year split in the middle, in which I’d broken off contact with him because he was emotionally, mentally and sexually harassing me (he still does). My family, on the other hand, were convinced that my husband and I were perfect for each other. So, to make them happy, I got back together with him.

A year after that, my father passed away from alcoholism. I felt alone. I had never had very much success in dating, either. So, when my husband asked if I would be his girlfriend again, I said ‘yes,’ even though I really wanted to say ‘no.’ I would do this again when we got married.

I had become so accustomed to letting other people make my decisions for me, and so used to trying to make everyone else happy, that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with someone I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with.

For the past two years I’ve wanted divorce, but was too scared of the unknown – a job, a new life, a new place to live – how would I take care of myself? I wasn’t sure what to do. So, I waited. I waited for the strength to go ahead and take care of myself, against the wishes of others, to be able to set boundaries for myself (albeit small ones) and I waited for a sign that it was the right time to move on.

Finally, I feel like I’ve been getting those signs, it seems ridiculous: A song which gave me encouragement, tears, hope; a text from my brother asking me to get a place with him; and my husband asking me to get a job. BINGO! I prayed the other day for guidance to this divorce issue. I’ve never truly prayed before, but I realized that I can’t do this without my higher power guiding me. I heard “compassion” – for my husband, for myself, and for my children, because it will be a long and hard road ahead.

It will be one day at a time, but I feel like I’m starting to feel that I can be free.

A meditation for August 6, 2013.


Leaving Today – Ria Mae

http://youtu.be/qMjg2s0IKHU

5 thoughts on “leaving – a guest meditation by Hillery”

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this. I cannot express how perfect it was for me at this moment. Lots of love and strength to you, we are not alone, we can be free, we are free.

  2. Dear Hillery,

    Thank you so much for sharing. After years I’m still thinking over my decisions to leave. Then I go back to that feeling and know that it was right. But I know it was right. I may struggle when I have a weak moment but it doesn’t help me to question my decision I made. Instead I’m living today, grateful for what I have now. When I’m in good relation with my higher power I don’t feel lonely. The upcoming days may not be hard road but a sometimes exciting and joyful walk. You higher power helped you in the past why shouldn’t it today? You are not alone.

    Thanks for posting the great song!

    G24h Ruth

  3. Wow… Thank you, guys! Your words truly mean a lot to me, and are very helpful.
    Karla, I’m glad I wrote this. I was unsure at first. Those words, “we are not alone, we can be free, we are free” are perfect, also. Thank you. We’ll both be strong, no matter where our paths lead us.
    Erika, thank you.
    Ruth, thank you for the insight.
    I hope I can remember to come back to these comments when I am not feeling my strongest. Thanks again, everyone!

    Hillery

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