Meditation is not passive sitting in silence. It is sitting in awareness, free from distraction, and realizing the clear understanding that arises from concentration.
Thich Nhat Hanh
Prayer and meditation is recommended in the program by way of Step 11. However, meditation is not something that comes easily to me. Growing up, I was always taking care of several different things at once without a moment to stop and think or reflect. And honestly, back then, I never needed to do that. I never needed to reflect on my life because I always tried to reflect what other people wanted me to be. And I couldn’t do that by sitting alone with my eyes closed and thinking about what it is that I need to do for myself.
So, needless to say, sitting still and not accomplishing anything tangible for any period of time scares me. It is strange to say “meditation scares me” but it is true. Without a million things to do, there is just me alone with myself. And when I meditate I am alone with myself and seek the truth and a greater understanding of what my next purpose is. That is so contrary to my life growing up that I am completely out of my element. I even feel guilty at times when I try to meditate because taking that time for myself feels selfish.
But my best thinking got me into recovery, so when my Sponsor suggested meditation, I did the next right thing. I accepted that I was scared and uncomfortable and did it anyway. I am still nowhere near perfect at it, but every time I do it, my hesitancy decreases a little more. Meditation doesn’t help me to quiet my mind. My mind is still just as noisy. It used to feel like I was in a busy crowd and hearing so many noises in my head. Those noises are still there. But when I meditate, I feel like I am still in a crowd but instead I feel that I am having a conversation with my Higher Power. And all the other chatter becomes background noise. I am able to sit in awareness. And I am no longer lost. I no longer need to be afraid. Sitting quietly doesn’t mean I sit for quietly and drown in the voices in my head. Meditation now means I find my own voice in my connection to my Higher Power. And it is time that is always well-spent.
A meditation for July 29, 2013.
Silence – Sarah McLachlan & Delerium