Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.
I do not like change. I know exactly why – it is because I grew up with the idea that the devil I know is better than the devil I don't. But being in recovery, I no longer look for the devil around every corner. I see, instead, my Higher Power everywhere. Whether I deem it as “good” or “bad”, for me, it's all the act and will of my Higher Power. There aren't any devils in my life. There is my Higher Power reaching out to me in ways that can help me see and help me grow.
Still, I find myself fearing change from time to time because I am afraid that the change will bring me more pain. So, I find myself clinging to things or ideas or people that I think will prevent me from suffering. At times like these, I make a gratitude list to cover all the things that I love in my life right now. Then I look back over the entire course of my life and think about all the things that I had to lose to get here. And I remember how much I clung to those things. If I had known then that letting go of those things would have brought me here, I would not have hesitated to do so.
Today, I realize that when I fear change, I again find myself in that position of clinging to certain things. But when I look at this change in perspective over the course of my life, I can trust my Higher Power and let go. My Higher Power took care of me, kept me safe, and brought me here. I know that my Higher Power will continue to do so. Whatever my Higher Power removes from my life, is removed to make room for something better. Now I know that in order to accept change, I don't need to trust the devil I don't know. I just need to trust my Higher Power.
A meditation for July 22, 2013.
Fidelity – Regina Spektor