a God of my own understanding– a meditation

 

You cannot define yourself in reference to other external coordinates, you must define yourself internally with a relationship with a higher entity. Think of yourself as a manifestation of some higher “thing”, some higher frequency, this is the visible realization. And you know that because you can’t see atoms can you? You certainly can’t see the forces that hold atoms together. There in the micro quantum world, Richard, lie the answers to everything. We can’t understand it with our logical, rational minds, but we feel it, intuitively. Get yourself in alignment with that stuff and you BEAM like the sun.

Russell Brand

 

“God” was an extremely touchy subject for me when I walked into the program. Because of where I was raised, I couldn’t go a day without someone trying to save my soul or someone trying to condemn it. I thought “if this is God, then I don’t want any part of it.” I felt judgment and rejection and manipulation was religion and God. I thought God was just another way for someone else to judge me and tell me what do to do and shame me, and I already had enough of that in my life.

When I came into the program, I did not want to believe in God. I remember telling a friend that in the fellowship. I told him that this is what I thought God was and I would NEVER pray to a God like that. He nodded solemnly and said “OK,  I can understand that. Just pick a different God. Pick a God of YOUR understanding. If you think God should be an entity that is kind and loving, then great, there’s your Higher Power. If that doesn’t work for you, pick something else.” My mind was blown. Again, the program showed me that I had options – that there wasn’t only one way. I could participate in a relationship with a Higher Power of my own understanding – not just accept or reject a Higher Power of someone else’s understanding. This was amazing and key to my recovery. If I had simply submitted to someone else’s idea of God, I don’t think I would have been able to recover.

My understanding of my Higher Power has changed drastically over time. Step 2 states “we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” So, in the beginning, I took that and decided that anything that could restore me to sanity in that moment was my Higher Power. Sometimes, that was hearing my Sponsor’s words, sometimes it was locating a doorknob so that I knew I could leave if I felt uncomfortable, and sometimes it was feeling loved and accepted by another person. As my time in the program grew, my Higher Power became all of those things wrapped into one – my Higher Power was a power greater than myself that always protects me and looks after me and loves me, no matter what. My Higher Power is what granted me the sanity to reach out to my Sponsor, or what gives me the presence of mind to look for a doorknob when I am scared, or what guides me to the humility that allows me to receive the affection of another person. But most of all my Higher Power is a power greater than myself that is always with me. That is what I need. So that is what the God of my understanding is to me. When my actions are Higher Power-focused, they are not fear-focused. Because when I focus on my Higher Power, I know all of my needs will be met, so what is there to be afraid of? When I am focused on my Higher Power, I can act from a place of vulnerability and strength – I can act from a place of love. And when I do, I am restored to sanity.

A meditation for July 15, 2013.


God is God – Steve Earle*


*Thanks for the suggestion Barbara S.

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