I did it selfishly because I didn't want to live in pain, anymore. It's funny, when you do something from a place of truth…it works out where it is the right thing for a lot of other people as well.
It is interesting what I feel is selfish and what I feel is altruistic. A cursory glance over my choices lets me believe that I am an altruistic person. But upon sitting with my Sponsor and going over my 4th Step, I realized I was a self-crucifying martyr. I didn't make the choices to be “altruistic”; I made those choices that could be seen as altruistic because I was afraid of the consequences. I was afraid of my own powerlessness.
Today, when I think of making a choice that is altruistic, I pause and ask myself if it's coming from a place of love or a place of fear. If it's coming from a place of truth and love for myself and others, I can tell because I can let go of the results. When it's coming from a place of fear, it's obvious to me, because I pin my happiness on a particular outcome.
The beauty of life, that I am able to see now because I am working a program of recovery, is that when something is done purely out of love, there is no right or wrong outcome. Thought the outcome might not be what I hoped for, or even if it is the one I feared, the outcome is always good. Because when I do something out of love, I am being good to myself. And in being good to myself, I am being good to all those around me.
A meditation for June 9, 2013.
Bent – Matchbox 20