The Recovery Show - 12 step recovery for those of us who love alcoholics or addicts.

Consequences – Episode 255

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Do you try to reduce the consequences of your loved one’s choices and actions? Do you have trouble enforcing consequences on undesirable behavior by others?

con·se·quence
ˈkänsikwəns
noun

a result or effect of an action or condition.

synonyms: result, upshot, outcome, effect, repercussion, ramification, corollary, concomitant, aftermath, after effect;

Setting Consequences
- I have to be willing to enforce them.
- They should be realistic and relate to the behavior.
- They should impact the other person more than me!
- What is the difference between “threat” and “consequences”?
- When I set a boundary and consequences for violating that boundary, am I attempting to control or manipulate another’s behavior?
Consequences of OTHER people’s behavior – Is NOT my business
- When I “do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves”, I set myself up as enabling, and deny them the natural consequences, good or bad, of their actions. Resentment, disappointment, anger…
- When I try to instill consequences, punishment, discipline, I often exacerbate an issue and set myself up yet again, for resentment, disappointment, anger…
- A definition of “enabling” that I learned is “getting between someone and the consequences of their actions.” (see Courage to Change January 5, June 16)
Consequences of MY behavior – IS my business
- When I take care of myself, …
  - Feel better
  - Act better
  - Cope better
- When I do not take care of myself I…
  - Blame
  - Resent
  - Slip into old behavior
  - Get sick, angry, lonely, tired
Mentioned or implied in several slogans including Live and Let Live, Let Go and Let God, One Day at a Time
Related topics – CONTROL, ENABLING, RESENTMENT, DETACHMENT, BOUNDARIES

Resources

We read from at least some of these articles.

Al-Anon faces Alcoholism
Unacceptable behavior and consequences (forum thread)
Natural Consequences (Psychology Today)
How to set Healthy Boundaries with Alcoholics and Addicts
Natural Consequences (forum thread)
50 Quotes on Consequences (Psychology Today)
Consequences on Brainy Quotes

Our topic for next week is new topic. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.
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Carl H Open Talk – Episode 244

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Thanks to Denise, who recommended this talk. She wrote,

When I heard you speak about violence in the non-alcoholic as a possible topic, I immediately thought of an Al-Anon talk I heard on the XA speakers website. It was by Carl H. from Hollywood, CA given in Calgary, Canada in 2010. He is an excellent speaker and addresses this topic head on concerning violence toward his alcoholic, in this case, his wife, as well as talking about how the program helped him heal in other relationships.

Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.

Recovery with Young Children – Episode 243

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How do you talk to your children about recovery? What have they asked you?

Spencer talks with Megan about how she talks to her children about recovery. We are joined by shares from several listeners. Our conversation was wide-ranging, touching on topics from the list below.

What questions have your children asked you about
- Alcoholism/addiction?
- Recovery?
- Meetings?
- Therapy? (“talk doctor”)
- Their father?
- Divorce?
What have you said to them…?
- Mommy and Daddy’s first priority is to make sure that you are safe…
- It’s never your fault when adults drink and act badly.
How do you model recovery / healthy behavior for your children?
- Do they reflect it back?
How do you communicate differently to different age children?
What do you still struggle with in communicating to your children about alcoholism and recovery?
What have you NOT told your children? Why?
Do your children attend meetings?
Would you bring your children to a meeting if it was the only way you could go?
When did you need to put your recovery needs ahead of your children?
Do you feel that you owe amends to your children?
- What for?
- (How) have you made amends?

Megan quoted from the Al-Anon Family Groups pamphlet, How Can I Help My Children?

A listener asked about whether we have transcripts of the podcast. We don’t. The best explanation I’ve found for why not is a blog post titled “The Dream of converting podcasts to text.”

Upcoming topics include violence by the “Al-Anon”. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.
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Don’t React – Episode 242

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 30:36 — 14.1MB)

Do you find yourself reacting without thinking? Does anxiety impel you to action? How can you pause and not react?

A listener wrote in with these questions.

How do I not act (or react) on the first impulsive thought or feeling? How do others sit with uncomfortable feelings? How do I act on God’s will not my will? Letting time pass, a month or longer or a week or few days seems impossible when i am so anxious. How do you deal with that??
How also to know God’s time as I’m a naturally impulsive person and have always done things fast. Any fear I have makes me say something I regret later or take action too soon, as i don’t give myself enough time to write and meditate and breathe.

My first thought is about the “Al-Anon pause button”. But then, the question is: “How do I remember to use it?”
A couple of helpful slogans:
- “How important is it?” (Courage to Change, August 15)
- “First Things First” (How Al-Anon Works, Chapter 9)
The thing: It takes practice!
My experience with just about any “defect of character”
- First I become aware of it.
- Then, I notice it after I do it.
- After a while, I notice it while I’m doing it.
- Eventually, I’m able to notice when I’m about to do it.
Don’t “kick myself” while I’m trying to learn a new way to be.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action!
How to “sit with it”. The reading from Courage to Change, January 10 about worry may be helpful.

Our topic for next week is talking to small children about recovery. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.
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Freedom – Episode 241

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:14:47 — 34.3MB)

What does freedom mean to you? What freedom have you found in recovery?

Eric suggested this topic, and we were loosely guided in our conversation by this outline.

Definition of freedom? Many definitions…
Do I believe that freedom only comes from being in control of my life?
What does it mean to me (now) that “freedom can only come from acceptance”?
The blog “Through an Al-Anon Filter” says
If I want peace, I must give my program away to others. If I want growth, I must give up my belief in my own “rightness.” If I want serenity, I must give up self-will, and be open to my Higher Power. If I want freedom, I must give up my need to control.
…
If I want real, lasting change, I must give up my safe misery.
(How) do I understand this in my life?
Concept Three  The Right of Decision makes effective leadership possible.
- We have the right to decide, to make choices. This is a powerful idea and one that many of us may have lost sight of growing up in families that were dysfunctional.
- “When I began studying Concept Three, I found the answer. It wasn’t alcoholism that bothered me. It was someone taking away my right of decision.” Reaching for Personal Freedom p. 132
What freedom(s) have I found in recovery?
- Free to live my life. I don’t have to follow the whims and wishes of my loved one (I can choose to do so, but I don’t have to.)
- Free to take care of myself (instead of my loved one).
- Free to grow.
- Free to laugh.
- Free to make choices.
- Free to know myself.
- Free to let go of the past (but not wish to shut the door on it).
- Free to find gratitude in the little (and the big) things, even when some part of my life sucks.
- I am becoming Free FROM;
  - Despair
  - Sadness
  - Loneliness
  - Isolation
  - Anxiety
  - Blame
  - Resentments
  - Feeling trapped
  - Fear
  - Anger
  - Guilt
  - Shame
  - Dependence (on others)
  - Expectations (of others)
- I am become FREE TO;
  - Live and Let Live
  - Let It Go
  - Surrender without giving up
  - Say No (and feel good about it)
  - Detach, with love
  - Set boundaries
  - Allow consequences to happen
  - Love, not need
  - Walk away
  - Feel, without fear
  - Say what I mean
  - Go slow
  - Enjoy solitude
  - Be happy
  - Have choices
  - Take risks
  - To be wrong
  - Trust
  - Laugh more (Promise 12)
- Who knew!? (as my sponsor said yesterday when I read him my list… 😊)
We want to be “happy, joyous, and free”

Upcoming topics include is talking to young children about recovery. Also parenting in all its aspects. And, violence by the “Al-Anon” in a relationship. Please call us at 734-707-8795 or email feedback@therecoveryshow.com with your questions or experience, strength and hope. Or just leave a comment right here.
Continue reading “Freedom – Episode 241”